Anxiety over what I did buzzes through me, and I can’t keep still, so I decide to scrub the apartment. An hour later, when I haven’t received a reply, I relax slightly. Hopefully he doesn’t listen to his messages and will never hear it. Or he has listened, deemed me crazy, and is relieved that he doesn’t have to have anything to do with me again.
I’m so wound up with thoughts in my head it takes me a moment to notice someone knocking at the door. I freeze with the sponge in my hand I’m using to scrub the coffee table. Could it be Hayden? Surely not, he wouldn’t leave work to come and talk to me, would he? I’m not up to seeing anyone, so I ignore it. If it were Harper, she would have called first. Now that she has Avery, she likes to know I’m home before she packs up everything she needs plus the baby for a visit.
The knocking gets louder. “Alyssa, open the door.”
My heart drops to my feet. It’s Hayden. He listened to the message. Why else would he be banging on my door? If I’m quiet, he’ll think I’m not home and go away.
“Alyssa!” he calls.
I need to get into my bedroom. The walls and doors are paper thin, and I’m worried he’ll hear my panicked, heavy breathing. Tiptoeing around the coffee table, I don’t see the basket of cleaning products I left on the floor. I trip over it and stumble, smacking the side of my body into the wall. For a dancer, sometimes I feel like I have two left feet.
“Alyssa! I know you’re inside. Open up.” He pounds harder.
After making construction-site noises in my living room, there’s no way I can pretend I’m not home. Oh well, it’s better to get this conversation over with. Taking a deep breath, I walk to the door and open it. Before I can say a word, Hayden barrels into the apartment. Closing the door behind us, I wait for what he has to say.
“You said you have news,” he says.
“Yes, I do.”
“Are you pregnant?” He scans my stomach like he has x-ray vision, a look of panic in his eyes.
His question spears through my chest, cracking every rib with it. We haven’t spoken in days, and this is what he says to me.How could he ever had said he loved me? Is he another person in my life putting conditions on their love? I deserve better.
“It’s too early to tell,” I say without emotion, feeling numb inside.
He blows out a long breath. “When will you know for sure?”
“Not for a couple of weeks.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair.
“I know an unplanned pregnancy is not what you want. It’s not what I want either, yet I’m not acting like the world is collapsing around me.” Only my heart.
He puts his hands on my shoulders. For days I’ve longed for his touch, but this feels stiff and unfeeling. “I’m sorry. With Rachel coming back…I haven’t been myself.”
I pull away from his grasp, and his arms fall to his sides. The distance between us started before Rachel’s visit to the studio. “What happened with Rachel?” I ask.
I thought he’d call to let me know how it went. Although, if we’re not in a relationship—and by the way things are looking, we are not—why would he? The way he has been acting he’s still not ready for a commitment. A sharp pain slices through me, and I sit on the arm of the couch.
He pushes his hands into his pockets. “She tried blackmailing me for money. She didn’t really want Lily.”
“Did you give it to her?” What kind of sick person is she?
“Not a dime.”
“Do you think she’ll stop trying?”
He shrugs. “If she doesn’t, she’ll be met by the same response. She doesn’t love Lily. Doesn’t want her in her life. Money is what she desires. Nothing more.”
The pain etched on his face makes me want to pull him in my arms and comfort him. Instead, I stay seated. “For your sake and Lily’s, I hope she never comes back.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I can’t believe she got so close to Lily.”
“Are you ever going to tell Lily about Rachel?”
Tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling, he squeezes his eyes shut for a second. This situation is beating him up, and here I am sending stupid voice messages and acting like I should be the center of his universe.
“At the moment, she’s too young to know the truth,” he says. “I’ll tell her more when she’s older.”