“Hey, thought I’d pick up lunch. I hope that’s okay,” he says, handing me the bag and hanging up his coat.
“Yeah, that’s great, thanks. We can eat while we watch the game if you want?” I suggest. He brushes snowflakes off his shirtand shakes out his hair while he stomps his feet on our welcome mat.
“Oh, okay. Sure,” he replies. But I can tell he’s disappointed.Weird. This has been our thing, our ritual even before my abduction and hospitalization. We rarely talk and when we do, we typically bond over sports. If there’s something he needs to discuss, he would have to make the effort.
An hour and a half later, we’re sitting on the couch watching the end of a college basketball game. He’s on one end and I’m on the other. He reaches over to the remote and presses the mute button.
He swipes his hand over his face.
“I did want to talk to you about something, Kai. That’s why I asked to come over,” he finally explains.
“Okay,” I respond, wringing my hands together. “What’s up?”
“I want to know my grandson and I want to try and make things work with you, with us,” he states nervously.
“That’s a big ask, Dad. I don’t know how Kendall will feel about that. We would have to talk about it.” Which isn’t a lie but it isn’t the truth either. Kendall has been urging me to try and make things right with my father for months. She claims she has moved past everything and has forgiven him.
“How Kendall would feel about it or howyouwould feel about it?” he asks. So, I guess we’re going there.
“I don’t know, Dad. I’m trying to come up with a reason I would want you around my son and fiancée after you did the things you did.”
He swallows and I can see something unfamiliar flicker in his expression.
Remorse? Guilt?
“I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t want me around Akio or Kendall. I can’t take back what I did. I will neverbe able to undo that. Even though I wish I could. But I can try to make it up to the three of you. And I am sorry for what I put you through. For trying to harm your beautiful family. There’s no excuse for it.”
My father has never apologized to me in my entire life. For a moment, I wonder if I’m imagining this conversation.
“And what about the years Kendall and I spent apart partially due to your decisions? The pain we both went through?” I press harder. “Because it isn’t just about what you did. It’s about the ramifications of your actions.”
“I know. I realize that now. And I know I could have done things differently when you and your siblings were growing up. Again, I can’t change any of that, but I can apologize for it. I can try to make things right. And I am sorry. You were right. You don’t do things like that to the people you love and Idolove you and your brother and sister fiercely. I always have and I always will.”
A tear slips down my face that I quickly wipe away. I shake my head, unable to believe the things I’m hearing. But this is real. He is here, admitting fault and attempting to make amends.
“You’ll come to Sunday dinner with the whole family at least once a month. Mom, Kendall’s moms, Amy, they’ll all be here too,” I tell him. His lips quirk into a smile and he seems surprised.
“Of course. I’ll be there.”
“You’ll show up for him. Spoil him rotten. You’ll love him unconditionally, without strings, without expectations,” I demand.
The way you never loved me.
“I will. I promise. Thank you, son.”
I nod, happy to have some of this weight taken off my shoulders.
“I want to tell you something and it is in no way a justification for my actions. But maybe you’ll understand me a little better once you hear it.”
“Okay,” I wait for him to continue. He cracks his knuckles and brings his gaze to the ceiling. He wrings his hands over and over, the same way I do. Whatever he’s about to say isn’t going to be easy.
“When I was a kid, like twelve, my dad started to come home drunk, really angry. It just got worse and worse until he would come home every day belligerent. One day, he started to hit me. Some days it would be his belt. Some days his hands. It didn’t matter as long as he got to unleash on something, someone. But I was the oldest so I took the brunt of it and tried to protect my mom and siblings the best I could.” He pauses for a second, turning his back to me and hiking his shirt up over his head. His back is covered in scars, angry serrated misshapen raised blotches.
Jesus fucking Christ.
“Dad, I—"
“Let me finish, Kai. Let me get this out,” he pleads. “When I was 15, I had had enough. I went through a growth spurt. I was almost bigger than he was. He hit me and I hit him back and I didn’t stop until his face was almost unrecognizable. I told him if he ever came back, I would kill him and I meant it. He left that night and we never saw him again,” he blows out a stuttered breath. “I always promised myself if I had kids, I would be better than my dad. And I was better than him. I never physically harmed any of you. But that’s a pretty low bar. And it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, Kai.”