“It’s okay, Dad. I get it.”
“No, Kai, it’s not okay. I raised the three of you to be smart, driven, goal-oriented. I wanted you and Ryo to be protégés, mirror images of me. And thank god you aren’t. You three arethe best things that have ever happened to me, besides your mother. And I don't know why I spent so long trying to hide that. I think my mom always resented me because I was the reason my dad left. I was the reason we struggled to make ends meet. And because of that, I had to pursue a more stable career, not the one I actually wanted. I was never going to play in the NHL. It wasn’t in the cards for me, but it was for you. I should have been happy for you. And for a long time, all I felt was bitter. We’re supposed to provide the kinds of opportunities for our children that we never had. And all I ever did was envy you and for that, I am sorry, Kai. It was my pain to bear. It was never meant to be yours.”
I understand it now. Not just his drive to push me and my siblings to be the best. Or his quiet, simmering hostility towards Ryo and me. Why I have almost never seen my father with a drink in his hand. Only on special occasions and even then, it was minimal. My propensity towards alcohol, my tendency to drink when I’m angry or upset, make a lot more sense now too. I would keep going, with no shut off valve until I woke up the next day with eight hours missing and unaccounted for. My dad’s propensity towards violence—both physical and emotional—translated directly to my aggressive sometimes volatile outbursts.Perhaps I’m a mirror image of him after all.
“There’s one more thing,” my dad says, taking an envelope out of his pocket and holding it out to me. “I know you helped me with that loan when I needed it. And I also know whether you take that job in Toronto or not, you could use some extra cash flow. I want to give you this and I’m not accepting no for an answer.”
I take the envelope from his hands warily and open it. Inside is a check addressed to Kendall and me for 300,000 dollars.
“Dad, I can’t. This is too much,” I admit quietly.
“Kai, I would have given this to you whether we talked or not. Whether you graciously allowed me to be part of Akio’s life or you didn’t. I want you and your family to have it. Start over if you want. Put it towards a house or that new job. Invest it or save it for Akio’s college tuition. I want to do this. I can’t do much but I can do this,” he explains, emotion clogging his throat and tearing up a little.
A thought worms its way into my brain and sticks like glue, a thought that started materializing when my father first came clean to me about the loan he borrowed.Maybe my father isn’t just one thing: evil and carnage, determined to fuck me and my siblings up as much as possible. Maybe he’s a lot of things, only a fraction of which I understand. No one person is all good or all bad, I certainly believe that. There is a lot of gray in human nature.
“I don’t know that I would ever be able to pay this back. I don’t want to owe you anything,” I answer shakily.
My father had done the best he could with what he had for his siblings and his children. It doesn’t mean I forgive him and it doesn’t mean what he did would ever be okay. Accepting his gesture could carry exactly as much weight as I let it. Maybe it just means that we’re trying to work towards something better between us. Something honest. Real.
And that feelsgood.
“You don’t need to. This is a gift. There are no strings attached. It is yours to do what you want with. You could choose not to speak to me for the rest of your life and I would still want you to have this.” My father’s voice cracks as he speaks.
I have never witnessed him cry. Not when Amy was born, not after my mom’s accident, and not after my career ending injury.
This is a day of too many firsts. I nod again, lightheaded and a little shocked, and slip the check and envelope into my pocket. This gift he has given us is far bigger than money.
It’s a clean slate. Freedom. The ability to dream again.
Chapter 94
Kendall
Irollovertofinda mishmash of bodies and limbs, both animal and human, tangled together in our king sized bed. Kai is lightly snoring with Stella pressed against his front. When we first adopted her, we tried to have her sleep in the crate. We quickly found out allowing her to sleep in our bed is better for her and especially Kai. Akio appears to be happily squished between me and Stella, his head now resting underneath my chin. He lets out soft little snores that mirror his father’s.
How did I get this lucky?
I slip out of bed quietly, trying not to disturb anyone.
“Where you going?” Kai whispers without opening his eyes. He’s adorable in the morning. His shirtless upper body and husky morning voice makes it difficult not to kick everyone out of this bed and keep him all to myself.
“I’m just going to start some coffee. You guys sleep a little longer, okay?” I say, rubbing his hand.
“Okay,” he murmurs, wrapping his arm around Stella. I pad to the kitchen in my pink fluffy slippers and glance at the clock on our coffee maker. It’s only 6:15. But it’s also Christmasmorning and there’s still more work to be done before everyone wakes up.
I make up my coffee with cream and sugar and stare at our massive ten-foot Christmas tree. It’s adorned in multicolored lights, silver and white balls, and a mismatch of homemade and store bought ornaments. A tiny red Akio handprint on thick paper that’s framed by green popsicle sticks. A four inch metal hockey stick with the Bucks inscribed on it. Along with countless other trinkets that hang on the long evergreen branches.
After I finish stuffing Akio and Stella’s stockings, light a candle, and put the remaining presents under the tree, I stop to admire the view from our penthouse apartment. It looks cold outside, but the sky is clear. Violet skies bleed into dark blue against the backdrop of the city. Weather reports for the last week have been promising a white Christmas, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see. The street below is relatively quiet, only a few cars zipping by here and there. A bus stops to pick up a handful of people. Some look like they’re headed to work, others have their hands filled with presents. The skyline of apartments and industrial buildings shine and twinkle with lights in the distance while Christmas music plays softly in the background. I sip my coffee and fold my arms across my chest while I listen to Nat King Cole wax poetic aboutchestnuts roasting on an open fire. I hum along to the lyrics, a feeling of peace settling over me.
I can honestly say that a year ago, I didn’t think I’d be here.Living with Kai. Raising our son together. Planning a wedding. But I am so incredibly grateful that this is where we ended up.
While I get lost in the beauty of our home and the gratitude that fills my heart, I sense Kai walk up behind me. His strong arms curl around my middle and he rests his head against mine, his chin in the hollow of my neck. There’s something about him hugging me from behind that makes my knees weak. I think it always will.
“Merry Christmas, Ken. I love you so much,” he says, kissing my cheek.
“Merry Christmas, Kai, I love you,” I reply, turning around and kissing him on the lips. I bring my hands to his face and smooth my thumbs over his cheek. “I love this life we’re building together.”
He brushes a kiss to my forehead and holds me tight against his chest. “Me too,” he whispers. He no sooner finishes speaking and Akio and Stella come racing into the room. They are nothing but pure joy, excitement, and love. Akio collides with my legs and almost sends me toppling over while he shouts, “It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” And Stella begins jumping on Kai, barking happily with her massive paws on his chest. I run my fingers through Akio’s hair and tip his tiny chin up to look at me.