“Kai, this is what you’ve been working towards. You just don’t seem super excited about it…” I trail off.
“I got another offer for a job I barely remember applying for. It’s kind of ridiculous but I can’t stop thinking about it,” he mutters.
“You didn’t tell me that! Is it college or professional?” I ask, excitedly.
“Neither,” he huffs, placing both hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling.
“Okay…so what’s the position?” I wonder, even more intrigued. He turns to me and props his head up in his hand, resting on his elbow. He licks his lips and rolls his neck nervously but there is something in his eyes I haven’t seen in a while. Light. Hope.Optimism.
“There is a failing youth hockey club in Toronto. They are looking for someone to take over as General Manager. They also need someone who can dig them out of debt and bankroll necessary expenses. I would act as a coach if I wanted to, manage finances, coordinate with the surrounding community, and organize and rebuild their club and youth teams. I would also probably be responsible for about a million other things.”
“It sounds kind of crazy, but also exciting,” I respond.
“Yeah?” he asks hopefully. He’s looking to me for permission to dream this dream, to breathe life into this idea. He needs to believe that I think this is doable. And I do because I’ve come to learn Kai isn’t capable of failure. It isn’t in his DNA. He is wired differently, he always has been.
I nod aggressively, sitting up to a cross-legged position.
“Theres a catch,” he states, stroking my knee with his palm.
“Okay, what's the catch?”
“Whoever buys this rink and takes over the hockey club has always lived in the house that is also on the grounds. And that house happens to be on a farm. A farm that comes with chickens, goats, and a few rabbits I believe and maybe some other miscellaneous animals.” I think he’s joking but his face lights up.
“Does it also come with a partridge in a pear tree?” I tease, but I can’t help the smile spreading across my face. My heart rate starts gaining speed when I recognize exactly what this means for him, for our family.
A new beginning. A fresh start.
“Ken, this would be a massive undertaking…” he cautions, his wave of optimism starting to recede. “We’d have to move to Canada. We’d be responsible for an entire hockey club and a farm. We are very muchcitypeople. We don’t know anything about farms,” he postulates.
“Kai, I’m going to say something and before you say no, just don’t say no, okay? Hear me out.”
“Okay,” he says, pinning me with a serious gaze.
“You have been chasing the feeling of perfection for as long as I can remember. This need to be great, to be the best, has been part of you since you were little. It's something I’ve always admired about you,” I explain delicately.
“But…” he eyes me curiously.
“But even after you achieved your idea of success, surpassed it even, I know you still want more. You’re still hungry forsomething. I don’t know that you’ll ever stop feeling like you need to be perfect. If the goalpost, this unattainable measure of success, will ever stop moving. And I thinkthisopportunity to build something that’s your own, that’s entirely yours, could be good for you and for us. You’ve been chasing perfection your entire life. Maybe it’s time to chase something else. Dream a new dream. Fall in love with hockey again. If anyone can do this, it’s you.”
“Maybe,” he surmises quietly.
“You know we’ll follow you anywhere. Whatever choice you make, we'll support you. I just think you should keep an open mind about it.”
“Okay.”
Kai is quiet for a while and I let him fade into his thoughts. I think he knows in his gut this is the right decision but he needs some time to process all of it, to arrive at that conclusion on his own. Not because I think it’s a good idea or because it would be beneficial for our family, but because he wants it.
In my head, I’m already thinking about what Toronto will be like in the summer.
Chapter 93
Kai
Mydadiscomingover today while Kendall is at work and Akio is at daycare. It’s only the third time I’ve been alone with him since everything happened last summer. We’ve talked a bit since then and come to somewhat of an understanding but there is still lingering hurt and frustration there. He is insistent and eager to meet with me and after almost dying, I’ve realized nothing in this life is guaranteed.
Around noon, he shows up in a long winter parka, carrying a bag of two greasy subs from one of my favorite restaurants. I open the door wider for him to come in and Stella immediately trots over to him. She barks loudly and aggressively, coming to stand between my father and me. But as soon as she sniffs his hand and circles him once, she decides he isn’t a threat.
Not yet anyways.