He drops his head and looks at me again, frustration simmering in his eyes. “Yes. You’ve always known me. My whole life.”
“I have.”
“And that’s just it. That’s the whole fucking problem.” He sounds exasperated as his voice grows in volume, his bottom lip trembling. “You knew me when… When I was a… fuck!” He buries his face in his hands, groaning into them. His shoulders shake. “When I was…”
“You were never a girl, K, if that’s what you mean.” I clench my fists because I want to grab onto him so badly and hold him close. “And I sure as hell don’t see you as one now.”
“I know.” When he pulls his hands away from his face, his eyes are wet. “But it’s one thing to see me like this, and another to see all of me.” He looks so lost and defeated. Like he’s tired of having to explain to the world who he is. Anger builds inside me. Not at him, but at the way the world is, because there will always be situations where Kayden will haveto explain himself, and I hate that because he’s perfect and he doesn’t owe anyone anything.
“Hey,” I say, reaching for him. I rest my hand against his chin, and he leans into me. “What makes you think I won’t like everything I see? That I won’twanteverything I see? Because others have had a problem with how you look?”
He shakes his head, his eyes glistening. “There haven’t been others.”
I swallow, my chest tightening. “Oh.” I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect that.
“Yes,oh.” He shrugs, and a strange feeling of lightness blooms inside me. He draws his eyebrows together, scowling at me. “Why are you smiling?”
“Because I kind of like that idea, is all.” He blushes even deeper at my words, but it’s true. Call me selfish, but I love the idea of Kayden not being with anyone else but me. “So when I kissed you yesterday?”
He chuckles softly. “No, I’ve been kissed before. I mean, I haven’t been kissed likethatbefore, but…” Happiness spreads in my chest along with an unprecedented feeling of possessiveness. I’m not usually the jealous type, but I do like the idea of being responsible for the best kiss Kayden has ever had. “Don’t look so fucking smug!” he bites out, failing to bite back a laugh.
“I’m not!” I totally am. I feel like pounding my chest, but that would probably be overkill.
Silence stretches between us again, and I’m unsure where we go from here. I get that he’s scared. I am too, if I’m being honest, but it doesn’t deter me from wanting to be with him and seeing if there’s something real here.
After a while, an idea takes shape in my head. It might be the dumbest fucking idea ever, but I have to try something. “So what if I didn’t?”
He frowns at me. “What?”
“What if I hadn’t known you all my life?”
“But you have.”
“Yeah, but… just bear with me for a second.”
He rolls his eyes, just a barely there movement, and we definitely have to talk about that later, because bratty much?
I think about the app and the encounters I’ve had with that guy recently. If it weren’t for Kayden and how I feel about him, there’s a possibility I would’ve eventually asked that guy if he wanted to meet up in real life. I’m not going to now, obviously, but I have done before.
“What if we’d just met?”
“Caleb…”
“Just pretend for a second. On an app, maybe, and we decided to meet up.”
Something flashes through his eyes, and the blue turns a shade darker. If I’m not mistaken, the idea turns him on. Then he seems to shake himself. “I can’t pretend that.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It’s just…”
“Just try. Say ‘before we go any further, there’s something you need to know.’”
“Caleb.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll go first.” His eyes widen, but I continue. “‘Before we take this any further, there’s something you should know.’”
He snorts, then rolls his fucking eyes at me again, and this time he’s not even trying to hide it.