His gaze softens, and he shakes his head in disbelief, like it’s unfathomable to him that he could matter to someone.
“Finish up, and I’ll meet you outside.Marilynis getting impatient.”I’mgetting impatient.
A sigh leaves his body, and he nods. “Okay, meet you out there.”
The drive down the coast doesn’t take more than twenty minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Kayden stares out the window as we pass by the familiar landscape, the view of the ocean a fixed backdrop. He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t feel like filling the space with meaningless small talk either. The only sound is the steady hum from the engine, and when another car occasionally blows past us in the opposite direction.
When I pull into the side and park at the overlook that offers a stunning panorama of the ocean, the other parking spaces are empty, and I let out a breath of relief. I know it’s unlikely to run into anyone we know here, but I just want Kayden to myself right now. I turn off the engine and lean back in my seat. I feel Kayden’s eyes on me, and when I turn, he looks so uncertain and worried that it breaks my fucking heart.
“Come for a walk with me, K.” I reach for his hand and twine my fingers through his. He gasps at the touch, his palm clammy. His gaze dips to our clasped hands, and pink blooms across his cheeks.
“Okay,” he murmurs, then looks back up at me, a million questions in his eyes. I squeeze his fingers, then let go of his hand and get out of the car. He follows my lead, and as soon as I’m beside him, I take hold of his hand again. It feels so right in mine. The weight and the warm softness of his skin, just like yesterday and that day at the garden center, like he’s a natural extension of me. The need to touch him is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, like this overwhelming force surfacing whenever he’s close. I’m not a hand-holder or a PDA kind of guy, but with Kayden, it’s like I can’t get close enough.
I tug him after me down a trail that leads to the beach through a forest-like area. The sun peeks through the crowns of the trees, creating a mosaic of light and shadows on the ground before me. We’ve been here before over the years, and I know it by heart. I’ve walked here with Kayden running ahead of me, eager to get to the beach, and I’ve walked with him on my shoulders in the opposite direction after a long day in the sun, swimming and building sandcastles. I don’t know if it should feel awkward, walking here with him now, holding his hand, but it doesn’t. It just feels like a natural continuation of our relationship, like we’ve evolved past the point where we’re just friends, and now we are becoming something more. I know I can’t separate my memoriesof Kayden as a kid from how I feel about him now. It would be pointless to pretend that I haven’t always known him, because I have, and now that our relationship is changing, I have to deal with that.
We reach the beach and find it empty. Kayden still hasn’t said anything. I lead him to a large trunk of sun-bleached driftwood, partially shaded by a large tree. I sit down and pull him with me. We both stare out at the water, our thighs and shoulders so close we almost touch. The heat from his body emanates toward mine, and the small hairs on my arms stand at attention. I’m so attuned to him, like I know what he thinks and feels without having to ask. Right now, his body language tells me he needs a few moments to just be.
It’s a clear day, not a single cloud as far as the eye can see. Kayden squints toward the horizon, and his nose does that cute little frowny thing it always does when he’s deep in thought.
“What did you want to talk about?” he says eventually, his eyes not leaving the ocean. I suddenly feel nervous. I don’t usually get nervous, but I guess there’s a lot at stake here. Not just my friendship with Kayden, but also the possibility of something more.
“I want to talk about yesterday, but I really need you to look at me first.”
He closes his eyes briefly, like he’s preparing himself, and then he turns so our eyes meet. My chest squeezes because, fuck, he’s stunning as he sits there, the sun hitting him from behind, bathing him in a golden hue. It’s like he’s glowing, his blond curls surrounding his face like a halo. I swallow, then focus on what I need to say. I reach for his hands and hold them in mine. He shivers, but he doesn’t look away.
“Okay, look—” The second the word leaves my mouth, I know it was the wrong thing to say because what positive conversation in the history of mankind has ever started with the wordlook? Kayden’s face transforms in front of me, and that expressionless mask comes back up as he withdraws into himself. He tries to pull his hands out of my grasp, but I don’t let him. “Sorry, that’s on me,” I rush out. “Notlook. Nolook. Forget aboutlook.Looksucks.”
Kayden frowns at me like he’s worried I’m having a stroke or something, and I curse myself for already fucking this up. “Let me start again.” I sigh, desperately searching for the right words. “First of all, whatever happens between us, or not, I don’t want to lose you.” Fuck, why is this so hard? I’m a forty-year-old man, for Christ’s sake, not some bashful debutante.
“You won’t.” His voice is soft but filled with certainty. How can he be so sure when I’m stumbling forward like Bambi on ice?
“I won’t?”
Heshakes his head. “No. We just have to… I don’t know. We just have to let this thing ride itself out or something.”
Ride itself out?What the hell is he talking about?
He looks back up at me, and I see it painted across his face as clear as fucking daylight. He’s trying to beat me to it so he won’t get hurt. But there’s nothing to beat me to.Ride itself out?The hell I am.
“And what if it doesn’t go away?”
Kayden swallows, uncertainty flashing in his eyes. “It will.”
“You sure about that?”
“Caleb,” he sighs.
Fuck, my name on his lips. It drives me fucking wild. No one has ever spoken my name like that before, with such intent, like I fucking matter. Well, my parents did, but that was different. I mattered to them, but not because it was something I’d earned, but because I was their child. With Kayden, it feels like I’ve earned it.
“What are you afraid of?”
He pulls his hands out of my hold and crosses them in front of his chest. “I’m not afraid.” He tips his chin in defiance, but I see right through him. He’s scared shitless, just like me.
“Then what is it?”
He tips his head back and groans at the sky. “It’s you, Caleb. It’s you, okay?”
“Me?” I stare at his lean neck. I want to touch him. I want to bury my face against that hollow space between his collarbones and breathe him in. I want to stay there and not come up for air until the sun dips behind the horizon, but I know now is not the right time.