“I don’t know what happens next,” I whisper, clutching my phone.
“Okay. Okay. But what do you want to happen?”
“I don’t know. I’m freaking out, okay? What if it was just… I don’t know. What if…” I realize I can’t finish the sentence.
“I know you’re freaking out. Of course you are.” There’s so much love in Emily’s voice, and I wish she were here right now, and we could just cuddle up on the couch together under a blanket and watchGirlsand overindulge on chocolate and popcorn. “But if you just allow yourself to feel for a moment, then what do you want to happen?”
I close my eyes. Instead of overthinking it, I let my heart speak for once. “I think I want to be with him. With Caleb. Or at least try.” I hold my breath, and Emily is quiet on the other end, too. “He makes me feel so safe, Em,” I whisper, my heart in my throat.
“Of course he does, babe.” Emily knows what safety means to a trans person. It’s everything because it’s not something we ever take for granted.
“What if he doesn’t want to, though?” It physically hurts to even say the words, but there’s a real possibility that Caleb is regretting the kiss this very second.
“Then he doesn’t want to. But you can’t control other people, K. You can only control yourself. But what makes you think he doesn’t want to? Because you’re trans?”
“Yes,” I whisper as tears slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. “Yes.”
“Yeah, I get that. But knowing Caleb, I don’t think he cares.”
“No?”
“No. Do you know if he’s ever been with a trans person before?”
“No, but I don’t think so.” I have no idea who Caleb has been with over the years, only that it’s many, both men and women.
“So you need to talk. You need to have this talk before anything else happens.”
I sigh, my body shivering at the idea of talking to Caleb about this. I know Emily is right, though. “I know. I know we do.”
“Everything will be okay, babe. I know it will.”
“If you say so,” I chuckle halfheartedly.
“Just listen to Dr. Emily, and all will be well.”
When I end the call, I notice I have a text from Caleb. My fingers shake as I open it. Blood rushes in my head like I’m standing on top of a mountain, staring into an abyss. I sit down on the couch because I don’t trust my legs anymore. I clutch the phone against my chest, and it buzzes a couple more times. I try to steady my wildly beating heart, focusing on my breathing.I’m okay.Whatever it is Caleb has texted me, I’m okay.
Eventually, I ease the phone away from my chest and pull up the text.
Caleb:Come for a ride with me tomorrow after work
Caleb:We need to talk
Caleb:It’s nothing bad
Caleb:I promise
Caleb:Don’t worry
I blink at Caleb’s messages while my vision goes blurry. I think he’s nervous too. It makes me feel somewhat better to know I’m not the only one who is rattled by our confession and kiss this afternoon. My fingers tremble as I type back.
Okay
I smile at the phone because Caleb is typing out a reply instantly, like he was waiting for me.
Caleb:Okay, you’ll come for a ride with me, or okay, you won’t worry?
Shit, he knows me so well.