“It’s nothing,” I whisper.
Silence stretches between us, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. The sound of Kayden’s soft breathing fills the room, and the warmth from his body emanates toward me. He chews on the string of his hoodie, his arms still clasped tightly around his legs. I want to touch him, hold him, but I’m not sure it’s what he needs right now.
Eventually, I gesture at the half-empty glass of water on the bedside table. “Refill?”
He shakes his head.
“Can I get you anything else? A soda, maybe?”
“No, thank you, Caleb.”
Fuck.I have a feeling I’m messing up, and that I’m doing this all wrong. I know nothing about body dysphoria other than that trans people can suffer from it to various degrees. I should have looked into it more. I should be better for Kayden.
“Would you rather… Do you want me to leave you alone? I can go if you—”
“No!” he blurts. “I don’t want to be alone.” He looks me dead in the eye, his bottom lip trembling in that barely noticeable way it used to do when he was a kid, and something had happened at school. Kayden was always sensitive growing up, and I know from Sal that he kept a lot of things bottled up inside.
I reach out and squeeze his knee gently. “Okay. Then I’ll stay. For as long as you want.” He lets out a breath, his gaze dipping to my hand resting on his knee, and then they come. Fat tears spill from his eyes and trail down his cheeks. He makes a pained sound in his throat, then buries his face against his knees. I don’t think. My body acts on pure instinct as I close the space between us and wrap my arms around him. Kayden lifts his face, his lips moving wordlessly, his eyes spilling over with unfathomable distress. A string of sobs falls from his lips before he buries his face against my chest. His legs are still tucked between us, so I carefully turn him in my arms, then wrap them around him again. Hisbody shakes as one wave of cries after another moves through him. I carefully press his head against my chest and rest my chin on top of it, shushing into his downy hair. His body is stiff at first, but after a while, he relaxes and grows heavy against me. My hand finds the back of his neck, and I stroke his bare skin above his hood. He feels clammy to the touch, like he’s not just emotionally distressed but physically ill, too.
“I’m…” he hiccups, but I shush him reassuringly.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
He fists my shirt and clings to me like he’s in the middle of a storm, afraid of being swept away if he lets go. He’s still crying, and we just sit there, as I hold him and he keeps his face buried against my chest.
When I start moving further up the bed, he whimpers in my arms, squeezing my shirt tighter. “Don’t leave,” he begs.
“I won’t,” I assure him, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head like I used to do when he was a kid and woke up from a nightmare. “I won’t, I promise. Come.” I pull him with me as I turn, resting my back against the headboard. He follows me, not letting go, and I draw him against my side. He tucks his head back against my chest, and I pull out my phone from my pants pocket. “I’m just gonna shoot your dad a text. I promised to let him know you were okay when I got here.”
“Okay.” His voice is muffled against my chest, and warmth spreads through my body. His shaking has ceased, and he’s stopped crying. I’m making Kayden feel safe, I can tell. I didn’t mess up after all. I quickly shoot Sal a text, and seconds later, he writes back.
Sal:Thanks man. I’ll come by at 4:30. Can you stay until then?
I’ll stay. No worries.
I place my phone on the bed next to me and lock my arms around him again.
“Was Dad very upset?”
“A little.”
He trembles, and I reach for the blanket and pull it up over him. “You cold, sweetheart?”
He shakes his head. “I just… I hate this.”
“I know.”
“I hate how much this has affected my parents’ lives. How it’s still affecting their lives. They didn’t…”
“They didn’t what?” I trail my fingers up and down his back, on top of his hoodie. I think I know where he’s going, and it breaks my fucking heart.
Kayden’s voice is tinted with anger when he speaks. “They didn’t ask for any of this, Caleb.”
“Neither did you, K.”
“That’s not what I meant. I just wish that…” he sighs.
“What, sweetheart?”