“I just wish that I were normal.”
Anger rises inside me. Not at him, no, never at him, but at anyone who has ever made Kayden feel he isn’t normal.
I sit up and ease him carefully away from my chest. “Look at me.”
He avoids my gaze, and I reach out and lift his chin. “Please look at me, K.” His eyes reluctantly find mine, a wild ocean roaring inside the piercing blue. “Youarefucking normal, whatever that even means. There is nothing wrong with you. Not a damn thing, you hear me?” I hesitate, then exhale, the tightness in my chest giving way to something I know in my heart to be true. Something that has always been true. “You are perfect, Kayden, just as you are. You’resofucking perfect.”
He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes tight, about to hide against my neck, but I don’t let him. “Youare. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. Not a single part of you isn’t exactly the way it’s supposed to be.” I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say. I hope it doesn’t trigger his dysphoria.
“You only say that,” he murmurs, digging his fists against my sternum as he tries to push away from me, but I won’t let him. I won’t allow this to be his truth, not even for a second.
“I mean it,” I grit. “You’re an amazing young man, and if the rest of the world doesn’t see that, then that’s on them, not on you. Never on you, K.”
“I’m not… I’m not a real man,” he sniffles. “Not really.”
“Kayden.” His words feel like sharp knives slicing through my skin. I know it’s his dysphoria speaking. I know he doesn’t usually feel like this, but today he does, and it’s killing me. “Youare. You are this gorgeous guy. You have to know that. Everything about you is…” I swallow, searching for the right words, but my mind just keeps circling around that one word that truly encompasses what Kayden is. There’s no other word that fits. So I speak it again, hoping he hears me this time. “Perfect. You are perfect, Kayden.”
He shivers against me, and after a while, he looks up at me, tears clinging to his lashes. “You think I’m gorgeous, Caleb?” His question is so naked and vulnerable, it catches me completely off guard. Kayden continues to stare at me. His bottom lip protrudes slightly into a pout, and he has that innocent yet sensual look about him that drives me fucking crazy. Heat builds in my chest, but not in a sexual way; no,it’s different from that. It’s more like the sum of all the previous weeks since Kayden came back home, now culminating in one single moment, intense and charged.
“I do. I think you are perhaps the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen.”
He gasps at my words, surprise flickering in his eyes. “I am?”
I just nod because I don’t trust my voice anymore. I don’t trust that Kayden won’t be able to tell just how completely and utterly mesmerized I am by him.
“But I’m—” My fingers fly to his mouth, silencing him before he can finish that awful sentence, the awful lie society has made him believe.
“Kayden,” I speak his name like a plea. He reaches up and pulls my fingers away from his lips, his eyes not leaving mine.
“But I’m not. Not really. I’m not a real man.” He looks so resigned. So terribly lost.
“Of course you are, baby. You’re as real as they come.” I trace the outline of his full lips, and his eyes flutter close. He leans into me, and I suck in a breath. The air shifts around us. “You’re beautiful, Kayden. And you’re sweet and kind and smart. So fucking smart. You’re funny too. You’re the whole damn package, sweetheart. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” I stop before I say something I shouldn’t, but it’s like Kayden has read my damn mind.
Opening his eyes, he seems to stare right into my soul when he asks, “Would you? Would you be lucky to have me, too, Caleb?”
Fuck.
“Kayden,” I rasp.
“Tell me,” he whispers. “Please be real with me. Would you? Would you want someone like me?”
Someone like him.
Jesus Christ. I would. Of course I would. And not just someonelikehim. I’d wanthim. I’m so ridiculously attracted to him, and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone as much as I want him. And not just in a physical way. No, it’s more than that.
I nod, and Kayden’s eyes grow impossibly wide. “You would?” The surprise is evident in his voice. Then his features soften, and his lips form into a barely there smile. I nod again.
“Tell me.” There’s so much fucking hope in his voice it almost kills me.
“I would.” I chuckle softly. “Jesus, sweetheart, you have no idea, do you?”
A deep blush creeps along Kayden’s cheeks, spilling down his neck, disappearing behind the neck of his hoodie. He looks feverish, but I’mthe one feeling it, a desperate fire surging through my body. I tip my head back, groaning.
“Caleb?” He speaks my name with such intent, then tugs at the collar of my shirt, forcing me to look at him. “No idea about what?” He breathes the words, like they stem from some place deep inside him where all his longing lives, and I can’t be anything but real with him. Not when he looks at me that way.
“How fucking attracted I am to you,” I finally admit. “How fucking impossible it is to be around you without telling you and…” I pause. Kayden’s mouth falls open. “And touch you.”
“You’re touching me now,” he smiles, all shy and sweet.