“So does this mean that you’re… that you’redone, you know… Or are you gonna have more surgery?” Fuck, I officially suck at this.
“You mean bottom surgery?” His voice is neutral. I guess he’s used to answering questions like these. It must be a pain, though.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m done. I mean, I don’t look like a cis guy down there, but I’m happy with what I’ve got.” He smiles carefully. “The T made my equipment grow, so to speak, and I’m happy with the dick I have now.”
“You have a dick?!” I blurt, a little too loudly, then clasp my hand over my mouth. No one seems to notice my outburst, though, too wrapped up in their own conversations.
Kayden smiles, his cheeks on fire now. “Yeah. I have a few inches.”
“Oh, okay. Sorry, I’m such a clueless idiot.” My gaze drops to my boots. Kayden reaches for my hand and tangles our fingers together like he used to do when he was a little kid, and I’d carry him on my shoulders.
“You’re not an idiot, Caleb. It’s okay not to know stuff like that. I think a lot of people don’t. But yeah, the testosterone made my equipment grow, and it looks like a small dick now.” I notice the choice of words, the neutralequipment, and how he avoids the female word for his sex. It seems deliberate. Fuck, I feel so out of my depth here. I need to read up on stuff like this. What it means to be transgender and how to be a good friend to someone who’s trans. I want to be that for Kayden. A good friend. I don’t think he has many. Neither do I, if I’m being honest. Not close ones, at least. It’s basically just Sal and me. It always was.
“Thank you for telling me,” I smile, then squeeze his fingers. He brushes his thumb along my knuckles.
“Of course. Honestly, Caleb, you can ask me anything. I really don’t mind. And if there’s something I don’t want to talk about, I’ll let you know.”
Once again, it strikes me how different Kayden is. How mature, despite his age. How confident and settled in his own skin. In a way, I’m jealous. I wish I had just an ounce of his calm self-awareness. I think my relationships with other people would be a lot easier if I knew myself better.
“Good to know,” I finally say, getting up. “We should get back.”
He squints against the sun. “Yeah, I still have a disaster of epic proportions I need to deal with.”
“Ha, ha.” I pull him from his chair and against me, ruffling his hair until he squirms, squealing. This time, people do turn and look in ourdirection, but I don’t care. They can look all they want. Spending my lunch break with Kayden has left me feeling lighter and happier than I’ve been in a long time.
We walk back in silence, the afternoon sun beating down on our backs. When we reach the back entrance to the shop, Kayden turns and frowns at me, like he’s pondering something.
“What? Do I have mayo on my nose?”
“Just a little. No, I was thinking… if you come by around dinner time tonight, I’ll cook us something real quick, and then you can put up the lights while I work. I also want to get started on anInstagramaccount for you guys. I was thinking of doing a weekly feature on one of your employees. You know, to put a face on the amazing people behind the brand.”
I just stare at him for a few seconds.
“Caleb?”
“That’s a fucking great idea.”
“Yeah?” Excitement pools in his eyes.
“Absolutely. I love it.”
“Cool.”
“Cool,” I repeat, and Kayden shakes his head at me, mumbling something that sounds like “dork” under his breath, before he turns around and heads inside, a light spring to his step that mirrors the immense lightness in my chest.
Chapter Five
Kayden
Idon’t know why I’m nervous. There’s no reason to be. I’ve known Caleb all my life. He’s been such a solid presence through every phase of my existence. He’s been coming and going in my childhood home for as long as I can remember. He’s tucked me in and read me bedtime stories numerous times over the years when he babysat me. He’s just Caleb, and still, tonight feels different.
Maybe it’s because it’s the first time Caleb will be in my space, without anyone else here, or perhaps it’s because I’m no longer a kid and he’s my boss. I feel restless, and I keep tugging at the collar of my loose-fitted sand-colored T-shirt, my chest tight with nerves. I think I must’ve adjusted the books on my coffee table and rearranged the throw pillows on my couch at least ten times already. As if Caleb is the kind of guy who cares about throw pillows. And still, I move the navy blue a little further to the left, closer to the charcoal woolen comforter. I inhale deeply, my heart racing in my chest, then let out a pathetic squeal when there’s a rapid succession of knocks on my apartment door.
Okay, Kayden Somner. It’s time to calm the fuck down.
I smooth my T-shirt across my chest and adjust my low-hanging sage linen shorts. My palms are clammy, and for a brief moment, it feels like I’m going to pass out. Then Caleb’s deep voice booms through the door. “Yo, Lil’ K! Your handyman’s here!”