"Because we know you, Rush. And word travels fast in the club, even between chapters. Pyro mentioned to Ace that you're seeing Diesel's daughter and it's causing some waves."
"Yeah, it is."
"You want to talk about it?"
I close my eyes. "I chose her, Es. I told Diesel I can't stay away from her, and now I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up."
"Why do you think you'll fuck it up?"
"Because that's what I do—I hurt people I care about."
Esme's quiet for a second, then she says gently, "Rush, honey, you were thirteen when you hurt Octavia. You were trying to save Ruby. That doesn't define who you are now."
"Doesn't it? I'm still that kid inside, Es. I still have the violence. I still have the fear."
"Of course you do. That's part of you. But you've changed, sweetheart. You've grown up and become someone I'm so proud of."
The words make my throat tight.
"I don't feel like I've changed," I say.
"That's because you're still looking at yourself through the eyes of that scared kid. But, Rush, everyone else sees who you really are. You're steady, you're reliable, you show up for people. You call Ruby every week. You're a good brother to her. You work hard for the club. You're kind to people even when you don't have to be."
"That doesn't mean I won't hurt Everly."
"No, but it means you're not destined to hurt her either. You're capable of being in a relationship without destroying it."
"How do you know?"
"Because I've watched you for two years and you're not that impulsive kid anymore. You think before you act, you control your reactions, you've learned how to be present without being destructive."
I want to believe her but the doubt is still there.
"What if I lose control with her?" I ask.
"You won't."
"You can't know that."
"Yes, I can. Because losing control isn't the same as feeling things, Rush. You've been confusing the two for years. Feeling angry or scared or vulnerable doesn't mean you're going to hurt someone. It just means you're human."
The words land and I have to take a breath.
"I'm afraid," I say quietly.
"Of what? Hurting her or loving her?"
"Both."
"That's okay. Being afraid is normal. But don't let fear make your choices for you."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"Then it doesn't work and you deal with it. But, Rush, sweetheart, you can't live your whole life protecting people from yourself. At some point you have to trust that you're not the worst thing you've ever done."
The words break something open in my chest.
I'm not the worst thing I've ever done.