The conversation with Diesel is still replaying in my head, the moment I told him I can't stay away from Everly.
I meant it.
And that's what scares me.
I've crossed a line I can't uncross. I've admitted out loud that I want her, that I'm choosing her.
There's no going back from that.
My phone is on the table and I stare at it. Part of me wants to text Everly and take it back, tell her I made a mistake.
But I don't.
Because I didn't make a mistake. I made a choice.
And I'm tired of choosing safety over connection.
I think about Ruby and what she believes about me. She's fourteen now and she still calls me every week from New York.
She tells me about school and her friends and the life Octavia and Digger have given her.
And she looks at me like I'm her hero, even after everything.
"You saved my life," she told me last time we talked. "I wouldn't be here without you."
"I shot someone to do it."
"You were thirteen and desperate and you did what you had to do. That doesn't make you a monster, Rush. It makes you my brother."
The certainty in her voice when she said it made my chest tight.
She believes I'm good.
So do Octavia and Digger. They took her in after I went to juvie and raised her like she's their own.
Serenity and Esme back in New York, they've both seen me at my worst and they still treat me like family.
They all believe I'm capable of being more than my worst moment.
But I moved to Dublin to escape being ‘the kid who shot Octavia’. To start over where people didn't know my history, didn't look at me and see that scared thirteen-year-old with a gun.
And I've spent two years here building a new reputation, being the controlled one, the quiet one, the one who never loses his temper.
But that's just another kind of hiding.
I've been using restraint like a shield, keeping everyone at arm's length so I don't have to risk being vulnerable.
And I'm done with that.
I'm done choosing safety over connection.
My phone rings and I glance at the screen. It's Esme calling from New York.
I answer it. "Hey, Es."
"Hey, sweetheart." Her voice is warm and soft. "You okay? Serenity said you might need someone to talk to."
I lean back against the couch. "How'd she know?"