When I was the last one sitting on edge, staring at the glass like it would bite me, Marvin spoke, making me jump slightly.
“You don’t like whiskey?” he asked.
I cleared my throat, not taking my eyes off of the glass even when I replied, “No… it’s not that. I don’t even know if I’ve had it before. I am not a big drinker… It’s not…”
Marvin interrupted me, saying, “Safe. Ya… I know, kiddo.” He sighed, and that had my eyes jumping to his. At first, I thought that maybe it was the first time I had ever heard the endearment, but it sounded too familiar coming from him.
We both studied each other for a minute before he continued, “I taught you all the ways to be safe, but…” He shook his head, a look of almost regret on his face.
I shrugged, adding, “What you taught me has kept me alive.”
Marvin took a sip and closed his eyes for a moment, when he opened them they looked almost glassy. He gestured to the glass in front of me saying, “But I never taught you how to live, just to stay alive and they aren’t the same thing.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, I looked to Trevor for help but he had a sad kind of look on his face and he nodded at the glass in front of me. So I grabbed it, felt the rough edges of the rocks glass in my hands as I leaned back on the couch.
I took a small sip and we sat in silence for a while. The fire crackling, light dancing around the otherwise dark room.
I wanted to relax into the moment, this kind of peace that had settled over all of us. But my body felt tense, it wasn’t that I feared Marvin or that he made me uncomfortable, it was more that I didn’t like what was unpredictable. And this was definitely something new for us.
Marvin must have felt the tension because I heard him mutter under his breath, ‘she can't even relax beside me’.
I turned to say something, anything for him not to feel bad about my discomfort… It wasn’t him. But he beat me to it, leaning forward and topping up his glass, leaving the cap off and motioning for Trevor to help himself and then without looking at me, his eyes locked on the amber liquid in his glass, he said, “You were so little when he brought you to me. So little and so fucking broken.”
Marvin rubbed a rough hand down his face, before continuing, “It was never you… I knew… Well, they told me as much as they pieced together about what happened to you…”
I held myself completely still unsure where this conversation was going. I felt Trevor’s eyes on me but I couldn’t look away from Marvin as he continued, “Everytime I looked at you, I saw this sweet, perfectlittle girl, so fragile… but I also saw everything they did… And you were so skittish… scared of your own shadow… I picked up real quick that you were terrified of doing the wrong thing…”
My cheeks felt wet, and I blinked realizing I was crying. I took a sip when he did, stealing myself for what he would say next.
Marvin looked up from his glass and his eyes landed on Trevor, “He was easy to deal with. I just treated him like a army buddy… and that was probably fucked up enough. But I had no idea what to do with you. Because everytime I made eye contact with you I could see how desperate you were for human connection, to feel like you belonged, for someone… anyone to erase the pain of your past…”
Marvin swallowed hard and I realized he had tears in his eyes, his eyes moved from Trevor and landed on mine and I had to choke down a gasp. Because I had never seen him this raw or vulnerable before. “So I avoided you, I never wanted you to think that if I was close to you…” His face morphed in a disgusted look before he schooled it and continued, “I never wanted you to fearthat or me… So I avoided you, I kept you safe and fed and then when Trevor came, you too glued yourselves to each other and I… stayed away…”
I didn’t know why but hearing that, it was soothing. Like something being healed over, something I didn’t even know needed to be healed. I relaxed a little more and Marvin slowly lifted his arm and put it on the back of the couch. A look on his face I couldn’t place until I realized this was as vulnerable as he’d ever allow himself to be. He was inviting me closer, now that I was an adult, now that I could choose… he was letting me in.
Marvin dropped his eyes to his glass, I looked at Trevor hesitantly and he had a shocked look on his face. I looked back at Marvin and he had his eyes squeezed shut… like he was waiting for me to push him away. So I scooted closer to him and we both kind of tensed up when I was right under his arm and we were touching. We sat awkwardly for a few minutes before he let out a long breath and chuckled, saying something that sounded like,‘someone so tiny can be so fucking terrifying’,under his breath before he relaxed his arm that was on the back of the couch so he had it wrapped around me and then I met him halfway relaxing my body into his and taking a deep breath.
We sat like that for a few moments adjusting to being that close to each other, allowing someone new into our space. Then the floor creaked and Trevor was wiggling into the space beside me. Marvin surprised me even more when he chuckled saying, “Don’t get too comfortable you gotta fill the glasses, I don’t know what this is called but I think I like it and am not leaving anytime soon.”
He didn’t know what this was called?Did Marvin not know what cuddling or snuggling was? Weren’t we a sad mix of broken souls… So I snuggled in closer and Trevor topped us all up before snuggling in beside me. I felt a new kind of love I hadn’t experienced before, not a romantic love… but a familial one… I didn’t think I would ever experience this unless I had my own family one day.
We settled in, all cozy on the couch, Trevor getting up occasionally to put more wood on the fire or to top up Marvin's glass. For the first time in a long time… I fell asleep feeling protected and cared for.
When I woke up the next morning Marvin was nowhere to be found, I was curled up beside Trevor on the couch and someone had tucked us in with an old quilted blanket.
We never talked about that night and I wasn’t expecting it to happen again, but there was now a new sense of understanding between us. We didn’t avoid each other, Marv still spoke in grunts more often than not. But we had a new level of comfort in the house and even though I had no idea what my future held or who I even was anymore, this was feeling more and more like home. Like something more than just a safe place to hide.
CHAPTER 40
CLUTCH - HOLDING ON TO HOPE
Spring had come, and with it came the clearing of Four’s name. Six months of him being under watch, careful of every little thing he did, all for crimes he didn’t commit…. And we were lucky they didn’t know of all the ones we did. As soon as he was cleared, Angel made plans with Cole for our MC to visit his ranch.
We travelled as a pack; Cal, Mara, and Marisol rode in one of the trucks with Gavin, who was never far from Mara these days. Haven rode with Four, while Cupcake rode solo in her first full run with the club.
What Cole had done was incredible, turning something negative into a place that helped. It was inspiring to see other clubs turning away from traditional club culture and moving in a new direction.
Cypher still hadn't found anything on a location for Bex, and I was at a point where it was starting to feel hopeless. The house was almost done, but I refused to stay there without her. All Mara and Haven would tell me is that she was safe. We were getting close to answers about who was at the top of the organization for the traffickers. But it was making me anxious that I hadn’t heard her voice or laid eyes on her in months.