I had no idea why she had named it Dorota. I did know that its very existence pissed off Dr. Metcalf.
“Your fur is quite luxurious today, Princess,” the chair said. “Your enemies will quiver with envy.”
Dr. Metcalf beeped.
Oh, do shut up.
“See what I mean?” the chair replied. “The jealousy runs deep on that one.”
You want to know what’s going to run deep? My virtual foot up your ass if you don’t shut the fuck up.
“Stop fighting,” Donut said. “The race is about to start!”
“Very diplomatic, my princess,” Dorota said.
From behind, the two ghouls groaned.
Race starts in two minutes. Racers, start your engines or prime your mounts.
For this race, we were all lined up side by side with us on the end. To our immediate left was the large APV of team One Fine Pig. I couldn’t see any of the teams past them from my position, but we were in the order we’d placed in the last race. So it was team Sparkles, then the Jugglers, then team Free Love, then the Wild Hunt, then the Lady Dominators, then One Fine Pig, and us at the end.
“We need to be quick, but we gotta be careful,” I said to Gluteus. “That’s gotta be a 30-degree angle. We go too fast, we’re gonna flip.”
“Yeah, we’ll flip. We’ll flip into victory,” he said. “Man, I wish Steve was still with us. He’d love this shit. He wasn’t a pussy. He’d want me to go even faster.”
Even through the fur, I could see the veins on his arms bulging as he rocked back and forth.
Holy shit, this one is worse than the last one. Where’d you find these idiots?
“Actually, I don’t think that is the finish line,” Donut said, distracted, leaning in. She was using her zoom ability. “It’s like a big blue-and-yellow dome. It’s hard to tell at this angle.”
Gluteus turned toward me, and that’s when I noticed how red his eyes were.
Oh, fuck me.
“Gluteus, are you on something?”
He cackled and slammed the horn again. “Samantha found some outworlder uppers in that garbage pile from the snake guy. She said if one takes them before a race, one can taste time. It’s what she’s been taking to win atMario Kart. And you know what? She’s right. That’s why I took two.” He leaned in closer. “The space between each individual second tastes like cotton candy mixed with the sweat dripping off the tits of a randy high elf priestess. It’s fucking delicious.” He then howled like a goddamned dog.
Shit, shit, shit.We were at the line. It was too late to kick him out. We didn’t have time to set up the Donut driving apparatus. I couldn’t drive like this.
“Donut,” I said, moving back, “get yourLaundry Dayspell ready! We don’t have a goddamned choice. You have to get this suit off of me!”
“Carl, no! Mordecai said it could really hurt you, even kill you! Wait, do you feel that?”
The ground rumbled.
Dr. Metcalf beeped.
We will be sharing the track with migrating Sugar Hermits.
The truck rocked as a wave of wailing, colorful Samantha-sized creatures rushed past. They started to tumble down the road, rolling and clicking and screaming. There were literally thousands of them. Tens of thousands.
“What the heck are those things?” Donut asked. “They’re like Imani heads! Why are they screaming?”
They were skulls. Dozens of types, all painted in festive colors, like Day of the Dead sugar skulls.
“Fuck yeah!” Gluteus shouted, revving the engine. “Let’s do this!”