The Draconian mercenary sitting atop the APV for One Fine Pig said something I couldn’t hear. The dragon-faced mercenary manned a massive heavy machine gun. I eyed the gun warily.
I marked the Draconian with two denial-of-service missiles and the gun itself with two more of the same. I’d fire them as soon as we were free.
They weren’t our target for this one. I didn’t want to kill the vehicle, but I wanted to keep them from trying to kill us and hopefully slow them down enough that we didn’t have to worry about them.
I selected the four remaining missiles in my eight-pack launcher and programmed them.
By this point, all the teams would have shields. Direct attacks would likely do nothing. So we had to kill them in different ways. I just hoped these missiles worked as advertised. This was a Rosetta idea. It was a different recipe than what we had in the potion balls, but just as insidious.
Race starts in five minutes. Starting blocks loading.
That was told in the regular voice of the AI.
“Starting blocks?” I asked.
Dr. Metcalf beeped.
A new rule has been announced. Each team for this heat will be contained in a starting block shield that will provide invulnerability to your vehicle for the first ninety seconds of this race. This will not affect controls.
“Shit,” I said. “Dr. Metcalf, what sort of shield is it?”
How should I know? Have you upgraded me like I asked you to? I’d probably know if I was upgraded. But no. Instead, you let them pick that chair for your cat. It’s almost like you don’t care about me at all.
“What?” I asked.
The answer is no. I don’t know.
“Shit,” I said again. But then I thought this might actually be a good thing.
I started calculating how long the missiles would take to arc through the air. If I timed it properly, it’d keep the other teams from firing on us. Or each other. I could trust the bugbears and the razor foxes not to do anything too stupid, and the Lady Dominators were under the impression we were working together for this race, but we had to make sure both team Sparkles and One Fine Pig didn’t go on a murder spree.
Chiyome: Do we need to alter our plans?
Carl: It’s okay. I think we’re good.
Ahead, the asphalt track was straight and very wide. It had to be a hundred meters from side to side. It swept straight downlike a ski ramp. On either side of the road was just lush green grass as far as I could see. A red alien sun crackled above. The temperature outside was nice and warm.
“My goodness,” Donut said, struggling to peer out the windshield. “I think I can see the finish line from here. The road really is steep.”
“Great observation, my precious princess,” her new chair said.
“Thank you, Dorota,” Donut replied.
The original voice was that of a creepy dude, but Donut had insisted it change to that of a woman “with a Polish accent.” I had no idea why, and I didn’t want to ask.
At first glance, the new chair on the passenger’s side of the van was just a regular bucket seat. You couldn’t tell there was anything different about it until Donut sat in it.
Apparently, this was a real product out in the universe. Rosetta said videos of these things had been going viral right before she’d come to Earth.
It was called a Smart Companion Royal Pet Throne. This was the Ultimate Diamond Pampered Pet Princess edition.
It was a pet chair designed for long road trips. It could be installed in cars, spaceships, boats, and more. It could be used by regular people, and nothing would happen, but the moment the chair’s assigned “princess” sat upon it, a small, fluffy, rectangular bed appeared. The chair adjusted like a gyro, and it would supposedly keep her safe in case of an accident.
But the chair did a lot more than that, too. It also monitored her vitals and offered her “relief” when she was stressed. We still didn’t know what that meant.
It also talked. The thing clearly wasn’t a real intelligence like Dr. Metcalf. It was more like the robot Donut toys. It seemed its main goal was to keep Donut happy at all costs. It did that byagreeing with everything she said and randomly complimenting her.
I suspected it would quickly wear thin, but for now, Donut was pretty excited about it, especially when she discovered it could feed her snacks on demand.