That's what it feels like inside me—like there’s something open that won't close until I go back and face him…
“Jesus,” Ximena says, and I can practically hear her shaking her head. “Just... be careful. You’ve worked too hard to put yourself back together. Don’t let any man break you again.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise me. Promise me if things get messy, you’ll call me. Even if you think I’m pissed at you, even if you think I don’t want to hear it—you’ll call.”
“I promise.”
“Okay.” She lets out a long breath. “I love you, you know. Even when you’re being a fucking idiot.”
“I love you, too.”
“Good. Call me when you get there. Let me know you made it safe.”
“I will.”
After we hang up, I drive in silence, watching the miles tick down to Dallas. To Helen’s memorial. To Caleb.
To whatever the hell I might be walking into.
It’s time to say goodbye for real.
NINE
HARPER
Everything is creepilysimilar to the how I remember it.
Okay, the trees lining the road up to the housearetaller. They’ve grown in the ten years since I was last here. But the way they line the street in such neat little rows, like something out of a movie? It’s the same as I remember from that first fall when I got here, hating the world.
God, I was such an angry kid back then.
It makes me think of Bruiser and my chest tightens. Yeah, Z and I might be dating again, but if we don’t get back together, he’ll be from a broken home. Will he end up raging at the whole world like I did by the time he’s a teenager?
He’s such a good kid right now. He does math problems on the weekend for fun. That’s clearly from Z’s side of the DNA. Z always made better grades than me, at least when he showed up to class.
By the time I get close to Helen’s house, the road is lined with parked cars. Of course, the memorial is packed. Everyone lovedHelen. Even a decade later, everyone’s coming out to remember her and celebrate the life she lived.
I swallow hard as I park two streets down around the corner and get out to walk to the house I remember so well. It makes me a little late, but it’s not like I wanted to get there early.
My plan is just to slip into the back, not talk to anyone, hopefully not be noticed, and disappear just as quickly.
Liar.
Okay, fine.
I want to see him. Talking to Ximena has at least forced me to be honest with myself about that.
I’m a double liar—not telling Z about coming up here, and lying to myself about not wanting to see Caleb.
It’s not like I have feelings for him after all this time. I’m a mother, for Christ’s sake. I’ve moved on from a high school crush on a boy I knew for barely six months.
I’m sure I barely knew him, really. I certainly didn’t know myself yet. I was a confused ball of rage and hormones, and he was…there. I’m old enough to realize that teenage love is rarely the epic kind.
But Caleb still deserves an apology for the way I left.
No matter how short our time was, it’s a searing regret I’ve had all these years. That and not getting to say goodbye to Helen before she passed.