“It’s a memorial service, not a reunion.”
“Did you tell Z?”
“No.”
“Does he know you’re not actually in Corpus?”
“No.”
“Jesus Christ, Harper.” She sounds exhausted. “You’re lying to the man you’re supposedly trying to make it work with so you can go see your ex-stepbrother who you were in love with ten years ago.”
“I’m going to pay my respects to Helen. That’s it.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not?—”
“If it was just about Helen, you would’ve told Z. You would’ve said ‘Hey, I’m going to Dallas for a memorial, I’ll be back Sunday.’ But you didn’t. You made up a whole fake conference because you know exactly what you’re doing.”
I exhale hard. “I just didn’t want to deal with his feelings about it.”
“His feelings? Harper, you’re the one who’s about to see the guy you—” She stops. “The guy whomattered. You think I don’t remember that night you got drunk off your ass and spilled everything?”
My throat is tight. “It was ten years ago. We were kids.”
“You loved him.”
“I thought I did. It was just a teenage thing. Like a childhood crush that got out of hand.”
“Is that what you’re telling yourself?” Ximena asks quietly. “Or is that what you need it to be?”
I can’t answer that.
“Look,” she continues, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. As if I could. You’re a grown-ass woman. But if you’re really trying to make it work with Z, lying to him about where you are so you can go see Caleb is a pretty shitty way to start.”
“I know.”
“And if you’re not actually trying to make it work with Z, then stop wasting everyone’s time. His, yours, Bruiser’s. Mine.”
“I am trying. I’m committed to?—”
“You can’t be committed to Z while you’re lying to him about going to see another man. That’s not how commitment works.”
“It’s not like that with Caleb. It’s been a decade. I’m not going to be affected by seeing him after all this time.”
“Harper.” Ximena’s voice goes soft. “You’re lying to your boyfriend about where you are so you can go to a memorial where you might see the boy you thought was your once-in-a-lifetime love. If that doesn’t affect you, then you’re not human.”
My fingers clutch tighter on the steering wheel.
“I have to know,” I finally whisper the truth I’m not sure I’ve even been willing to admit to myself. “If I’m really gonna make this work with Z, I have to say goodbye once and for all.”
I’ve heard people talk about theirgutmy whole life, but I don’t think I really understood what it meant until Silas told me about the memorial on my last visit to see him in prison. Seeing him ten years into that sentence for a crime he didn’t commit, every early parole hearing denied has been a gut punch. And then to hear that Caleb had written to him about Helen’s memorial…
I wasn’t sure of Silas’s motives for telling me, but at the time, I was too busy experiencing this strange inner knowing thatI had to go.
I’m not sure if it’s because part of me has always needed the goodbye I never got. People talk about closure because everyone recognizes when something is unfinished.
And this has always felt unfinished.