“Consider this for a moment: She believes you’re worthy of comfort and compassion even if you’re uncomfortable receiving it.”
They talked for a while about the dream, about the terrifying sense of helplessness he felt watching the little girl get swept away. But they’d been through this before, and the minutes were ticking by.
Jesse cut Esri off mid-sentence. “You said last time you needed more pieces of the puzzle. I donotwant to fuck things up with Ellie. What pieces do you need?”
He was ready to cut himself open and lay himself out for Esri right here and now if only it would make the darkness inside him go away.
Esri watched him for a moment. “Your childhood. Your combat experience. Any major traumatic events, especially those that made you feel helpless.”
He steeled himself.
“My dad was a dick. He beat me when I was little—not all the time, but often enough. He beat my mother sometimes, too, usually when she got in between the two of us. Also, he wasn’t really my dad. He married my mom when she was pregnant. My sister is his child, but I’m not. As for my combat experience—I killed the enemies of my country without remorse, and I watched good people die.”
“That’s a lot to tell me all in one go. Do you mind if we sift through this?”
He glanced at the clock. “I can’t leave here until…”
Until I feel worthy of Ellie again.
She seemed to understand his urgency. “How did it make you feel to see your father hurting your mother, especially when it involved you?”
He looked into Esri’s brown eyes. “I felt guilty. I felt so angry. I hated him. I felt … helpless.”
That word again.
“How scary for a little boy to see someone he loves—his mother—being hurt. Did you ever try to stop him?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Memories Jesse had tried to bury drifted through his mind. “I jumped on him, started hitting him. He knocked me to the ground and kicked the shit out of me. Afterward, my mother told me never to do that again.”
“So you tried to save her, but you couldn’t. You were overpowered by a stronger force, and you felt helpless.”
Jesse wasn’t a therapist, but even he could see the parallel. “Like in the dream.”
“Like real life. You tried to save the little Fisher girl. You were overpowered by the rushing water, and you felt helpless.”
They talked about this for a while, Esri allowing their appointment to go over by thirty minutes.
“I want you to think about something over the next few days,” she said. “Your job with ski patrol and your volunteer work with the Team—it’s all about protecting people, saving lives. You’ve told me before that saving lives gives you a high.” She held up a hand to stop the objection she knew he was about to make. “Yes, I think anyone would feel good if they saved a life, but you’ve told me your work with the Team holds you together. Why is it so important for you to take on the role of guardian? Why is it so important to you personally to save people?”
Chapter 16
Ellie was late gettingdinner on the table. She’d decided at the last minute to invite Jesse to eat with them. She’d called him and left a voicemail and then made a mad dash to Food Mart with the kids to get everything she needed to make coq au vin. It was one of the few fancy meals she made, and it was easy.
Now dinner was finally ready, the twins were hungry and grumpy, and she still hadn’t heard back from Jesse. She told herself that he’d probably gotten busy at work or been called out with the Team, but she couldn’t shake the fear that something was wrong. He’d only been a part of her life for two weeks, but the thought of losing what they had together—whatever it was—left a bleakness inside her. She cared about him, truly cared about him. She didn’t want it to end.
She cut a piece of chicken into bites for the kids and put it together with buttered pasta and peas on their plates. “Here you go, sweeties. Daisy, don’t throw your fork.”
She’d just given them each a sippy cup of milk when a knock at the front door made her jump. She hurried to open it, relief and joy pushing away the cloud of anxiety she’d been carrying all evening.
Jesse stood there in his ski pants and parka, looking like he’d just gotten off work, his hair windblown, the bandage on his forehead gone to leave the stitches exposed. He looked drained, but he smiled when he saw her. “Am I too late?”
“Jesse!” said the twins, Daisy first and then Daniel, and it was clear they were both happy to see him.
“Not at all. You’re right on time.” She stood on her toes and kissed him. “I’ll fix you a plate.”
He took off his boots and his parka and followed her to the stove, hands coming to rest on her hips as he looked over her shoulder. “That smells incredible. What is it?”
“Coq au vin. It sounds fancy, but it’s very easy to make.”