There was so much Ellie wanted to say to him, but now wasn’t the time. They talked about little stuff while they ate—her attempts to get the missing supplies delivered in time, his day on the slopes, Daisy’s new knack for profanity.
“She said it as clear as a bell—D-A-M-N.”
Jesse looked into Ellie’s eyes, a sexy smile spreading across his face. “I guess she takes after her mother.”
Ellie felt her cheeks burn.
After supper, she let the kids play for a while, then plopped them one at a time into the tub. Rather than sitting in the living room and keeping his distance, Jesse helped, entertaining whichever child was in the tub with tub toys, tossing rings onto the floating octopus’ tentacles, pouring water through pipes of the waterworks set, and ensuring that neither child wanted to come out of the tub when it was time.
“I think you like those toys more than they do.” Ellie lifted a protesting Daniel out of the water. “Should I bring them with me tomorrow night?”
He chuckled, plucked Daniel out of her arms, and turned him into an airplane for the short journey to his bedroom. “Vrooom!”
“For a guy who’s not good with kids, you’re really good with kids.”
“Thanks.” His gaze met hers, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “File that under ‘Things I never thought I’d hear a woman say.’”
Jesse read them bedtime stories, the sight of him holding Daisy and Daniel on his lap and reading Dr. Seuss making Ellie’s heart squish. He might not have planned to be a father, but she had no trouble imagining him in that role.
When the kids were finally asleep, Ellie and Jesse sank onto the sofa together, facing one another. For a moment, they sat in silence, their fingers twining, the contact somehow reassuring.
He spoke first. “Ellie, I … I’m sorry about last night. I’ve never done that before.”
“It’s okay, Jesse. When I said you were safe with me, I meant it. I don’t think any less of you because of it. Tears are not a sign of weakness in a man.”
The hard set of his jaw told her that he couldn’t buy that.
“I saw my therapist today. Well, she’s not reallymytherapist. She’s the Team’s therapist, but I’ve been seeing her off and on since …”
“I’m glad.” Ellie was relieved. “I think anyone who’d been through what you went through that day would be facing some post-traumatic stress. I said it takes courage to face your emotions. It takes even more courage to get help.”
“I’m damaged goods, Ellie. Are you sure you want this in your life?”
“Is that how you think of yourself?”
The desolation in his eyes answered for him.
“When I look at you, I see a man who has served his country, who helps his neighbors and volunteers in his free time to save lives. In my book, you’re a hero. You’ve gathered some scars along the way. That happens to everyone, but it especially happens to heroes.”
He seemed to consider this. “I did something today I’ve never done before. I made a bogus call to dispatch. I told them I’d seen some skiers out of bounds, but I hadn’t. I just needed to get as far away from people as I could to think, to clear my head.”
“I bet you’re not the first patroller to do that.” She laughed.
He didn’t. “I stood there, looking down. There were pinwheels rolling everywhere. The slope was primed to slide. A part of me wanted to drop into that powder, shoot for the bottom, and let the mountain decide whether I lived or died. How fucking heroic is that?”
Her stomach fell to think of him on the brink like that. He was talking about suicide here, taking risks not for the thrill of it, but for a chance to end his life. “But you didn’t do it.”
“Do you know what held me back?”
She shook her head.
He reached up, ran his thumb over her cheek. “You.”
Her throat grew tight. “I’m glad.”
“Plus, I didn’t want my buddies on the Team to have to dig me out.”
She laughed through the lump in her throat. “Megs would kick your ass.”