Her heart skipped a beat.
He’d sent another photo, this one of a breathtaking view of the Indian Peaks Wilderness—Navajo, Apache, and Shoshoni Peaks gleaming under a bright blue sky. A message followed.
TODAY’S VIEW FROM THE OFFICE.
She let out a relieved breath, texted back.
BEAUTIFUL. THANKS FOR SHARING.
Jesse was okay. He was okay.
* * *
Jesse satdown across from Esri, fighting to keep his rage and agitation in check. He didn’t know how to talk about this. “I care about the woman I’m seeing. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to hurt her. I had the nightmare again last night while I was sleeping at her place and fell the fuck apart.”
He had decided he wouldn’t tell Esri what had happened on the mountain today. In the end, he hadn’t done anything besides make a bogus call, and he was far from the first patroller to do that. He didn’t want to risk his job or his place on the Team by having Esri flag him as being a danger to himself or some damned thing.
“When I last saw you four days ago, you hadn’t yet become intimate with this woman. Your relationship has clearly deepened.”
Jesse nodded, thinking of Ellie taking some of the edge off. “I care about her. But last night, I lost it. I told her about the nightmare, and I cried. I’ve never cried in front of anyone, not even as a kid.”
“It sounds like you moved outside your comfort level again. But tell me—do you think it’s bad for a man to cry?”
Jesse stared at her, his mind torn between the answer he knew he was supposed to give and his true feelings. “Even if it’s okay for men to cry, I don’t.”
“Why do you think you cried last night?”
Jesse fought not to shout. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.”
That made Esri smile in her irritating oh-so-Zen way. “Sometimes when we feel truly safe with someone, emotions surface that we wouldn’t ordinarily share. Do you feel safe with Ellie?”
He’d never considered that. Did he feel safe with Ellie? Of course, he did. He felt safe with her. He cared about her. He felt protective of her and the twins. When he was around her, he felt whole.
Until last night.
“Yeah, I guess I do. But now…” Regret cut through him, the pain almost physical. “I feel like damaged goods. I feel like I ruined everything, like I destroyed what was clean and beautiful. I feel naked. I feel…”
“Exposed?”
That was the word. “Yeah.”
“Did she say anything to make you believe that she thinks less of you?”
He shook his head. “No, but Ellie’s a nurse and…”
Shit. He’d said her name.
“Ellie’s a nurse and…” Esri prompted him.
“She has a lot of compassion for people.”
“Is it wrong if her compassion includes you—a man she obviously cares about?”
“I guess not.”
“Do you feel you’re worthy of compassion, Jesse?”
That question stopped him cold. “I don’t know.”