“Then I was an asshole,” he finished for me.
“You weren’t,” I argued.
“I was.” He squeezed my hand. “And I’m sorry, Gypsy. I don’t want our last memories to be tainted by anything bad.”
“They aren’t last memories,” I insisted. “I need you, Lucian. You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”
He laid my head against his chest and stroked my hair as he forced out the words. “I have to, baby girl. I’m so sorry.”
I pulled away and met his lying eyes. “That’s bullshit. You don’t have to. I know that this disease is curable. I know the success rates. Even now, you have a fighting chance. You just have to want it.”
Lucian didn’t answer, but his eyes filled with shame as they looked over me, distraught.
“Why don’t you want it?” I demanded. “Why don’t you want to stay here with me?”
“Because.” He closed his eyes. “This has been my intention since the diagnosis. I can’t change it now. It’s the only way I can see Dawson again.”
And suddenly, everything about this made so much sense. The church. His time with Father Hawk. His delusion that if he left this earth, he would find the heaven he’d been seeking all along.
I took a long time to process before I responded. I needed to choose my words carefully. I needed to make him understand.
My hand found his again, and I didn’t want to let him go. “I’m sorry that Dawson died,” I began. “I am so fucking sorry that happened to you, Lucian. You didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t fair, and if I could change it for you, I would.”
His fingers brushed over mine like he thought I understood.
“But I’m not sorry you’re alive,” I continued. “You told me that you loved me, and I’m still here. I’m not asking me to choose me. I’m asking you to choose life. Just for a little bit longer. Just until we’re old and gray, and then you can go. That’s it.”
His face fractured, and this time, he was the one to let go. “I can’t, Gypsy. You know I can’t.”
“You can,” I snarled. “But you won’t.”
We were both quiet then, and I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see the determination in his eyes to leave me so easily. To leaveus.
He had no idea about this baby inside me. And maybe if I told him, it would make him want to stay. But he would hate me for it. I couldn’t let that be the reason. I needed him to choose us. I needed him to choose life.
“You brought me into your life,” I said quietly. “You showed me what love is. You can’t just take that away.”
“I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I never meant to hurt you, pet.”
“Never meant to hurt me?” I hissed. “What you did was the most selfish thing that anyone could ever do. You are sentencing me to a lifetime of the pain you’re trying to avoid.”
“You will move on,” he said. “It will be difficult for a while, but you will realize that—”
“I will never move on,” I answered viciously. “Don’t tell me how I feel. Don’t pretend that everything is going to be okay for me because that makes you feel better. It won’t, Lucian. If you do this to me, it will never be okay again.”
“It will,” he said, but even he knew it was bullshit.
I had been trying to find the words that would make him stay, but I realized then that there were none. “Are you going to refuse treatment?”
He didn’t answer, and that was answer enough.
I pulled away from him. “I can’t be here right now.”
He didn’t argue as I walked out the door, and I think that was what hurt the most.
OUTSIDELUCIAN’S ROOM,FATHERHAWK, Nolan, and Ace all sat quietly. I didn’t know which one to target. In their own way, they were all special to him. But in the end, I knew who was the most influential. I asked Father Hawk for a word in private, and he walked down the hall with me.
“You have to do something,” I begged.