His eyes were sympathetic to my plight, but in the end, he shook his head solemnly. “It’s his decision.”
“He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” I choked out. “Isn’t it against the laws of the church? It’s basically suicide. Can’t you explain to him that he won’t be saved if he does this?”
I was grasping at illogical threads, but it was all I had left. Lucian believed that if he made his life right at the end, if he did all the things he was supposed to do, he would be transported into some magical place where he would get to see his son again. Maybe it was true, or maybe it wasn’t. But right now, I was too angry to believe it myself.
“It isn’t suicide,” Father Hawk answered. “If he passes, it will be from natural causes. I know this is difficult for you, Gypsy, but you must know that you will see him again too someday.”
That was not the thing he should have said to me. I pulled away, and this time, I couldn’t bite my tongue. “I don’t want to see him again someday,” I snapped. “I want him right now. Don’t you get that?”
Father Hawk was quiet, and I knew it was fruitless to argue my point. He’d made up his mind the same as Lucian. I understood now that every time Lucian got sick, Father Hawk showed up to provide spiritual comfort while he slowly wasted away.
I wondered how long it would take. I wondered how many times he would come home, and I would have him for just a little while before he got sick again. How many hospital visits would we make before it would be the last? And how on earth was I going to watch him die while I stood by helplessly?
“I can’t.” My shoulders caved forward as the stark reality of our situation sank in. “I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.”
Father Hawk laid a gentle hand on mine. “It’s all right. He understands. From the beginning, he knew it would come to this.”
“He made it come to his.” I looked up at him through bleary eyes. “What he’s asking of me is cruel. It’s the worst thing he could ever ask of me.”
“He doesn’t expect you to stay,” Father Hawk said gently. “I will be here with him if you need some time away.”
I hated to admit that it was exactly what I needed.
I needed to get far, far away.
MY THOUGHTS WERE SCATTERED WHENI got into a taxi and gave the driver our address. When he dropped me off, I walked inside the empty house, took one look around, and knew what I needed to do. I didn’t get any of my belongings. I didn’t even change. I left Lucian’s watch on the table, and I got into my car and drove.
I drove for two days, sustaining myself on gas station food and pulling into parking lots along the way to rest. I didn’t want to stop. I just wanted to get there, and after seventeen hours, I finally did.
“Hello?” Birdie answered the other end of the line.
“I’m here,” I said.
There was a slight pause before she responded. “Here, where?”
“Seattle.”
“You drove to Seattle?” she squeaked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, God… Gyps.” She sounded distraught, and I couldn’t figure out why.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“I’m… well, I’m still in Las Vegas, actually.”
“What do you mean?” I demanded. “I came here to see you.”
“I’m so sorry,” Birdie said. “I didn’t know you were just going to… drive up there. I would have told you.”
“Told me what?”
She sighed, and it sounded heavy. “I haven’t exactly been honest with you. I’m still in Vegas.”
She waited for my reply, but I was too exhausted to be angry, and that was how she knew something was wrong.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “Are you okay?”