I loved who I was when I was with him. I wasn’t just plain, boring Beau. To him, I was funny and cute and smart. I was someone worth spending time with.
Maybe it was stupid. Maybe this was a horrible idea. I was terrified of losing him completely, but I had to try, didn’t I? Because if Lea had taught me anything, it was to not let fear run my life.
But more than anything, he’d helped me fully embrace who I was.
So today I was shooting my shot.
I found a florist a few blocks over, remembering the day we’d sat on the bench and I’d asked him if he liked flowers. He said he didn’t know because no one had ever gotten him flowers, but I was willing to take the chance that he would like them. He’d given me so many firsts that I wanted to reciprocate. And if he really didn’t like them, well…it didn’t hurt to try.
I looked around at my handiwork and tried not to second guess myself. The entire room was filled with flowers; roses, lilacs, camellias, primroses, peonies, orchids and forget-me-nots.
The camellias were my favorite because they smelled like him.
My heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird when I glanced at the time. Lea would be home soon, and even though the anticipation was making me feel jittery and uncertain, I was determined to go through with it.
I sat down on the couch and waited, hoping this wouldn’t change everything in the worst way.
When I heard the key in the lock, I felt like throwing up, butI forced myself to stay seated. Lea pushed his way into the apartment, not looking up, then shut the door and locked it behind him.
“Beau, darling, I have something to tell you!” he called out.
Lea hung up his keys, turned, and froze.
26
LEA
Iwas such a fucking idiot.
I mean, that was a given, but I was so stupid.
In my defense, though, I’d never been in love like this before.
The moment it struck me thatthat’swhat I’d been feeling all along was after I’d sucked him off in the community center. Right then, staring down at his flushed face, I’d known deep in my soul that I would do anything for this man, that I never wanted to be with anyone but him ever again. That even a lifetime with him seemed like it wouldn’t be enough.
I wanted to take care of him in every way I could; he kept showing me his most precious, vulnerable parts, and I intended to protect those parts with every fiber of my being and give him my own for safe-keeping.
This love was entirely different from anything I’d experienced in my life, which wasn’t surprising considering how special Beau was. My love for him was soft and all-encompassing, as quiet and gentle as he was.
I knew I could trust him with anything. Witheverything. From the start, things with him had been so uncomplicated—which really should have been my first clue. It was like some vital part of me had recognized him on a soul-deep level; everything with him had been a desperate, long-lasting need rather than a quick fix.
The feelings I’d had for Lyle didn’t even compare—and to be frank, it would be disrespectful to Beau to even try.
And lord he was mesmerizing at those tutoring sessions. Watching him take control of a classroom—even one with only eight young students—was sexy beyond belief. I knew he had it in him, he just needed someone to give him a little push in the right direction. He was so damn good with those kids, too. And afterward, he would always talk about them with a smile on his face and an excitement that made me melt.
I could listen to him talk in that deep, sexy voice for hours.
Forever.
Yeah, forever sounded nice.
I admired him so much for leaving his comfort zone and doing something that scared him. That first day, he’d been so afraid, standing up there all alone, that both his body and his voice had been trembling. But did he run away? Did he make excuses and quit? No. He stuck it out, he bulldozed right over his fear and kept on going. And now? Now he loved it.
It made me wonder why I was allowing myself to be ruled by my own fears. If Beau could go up against his, then I could do the same with mine. Despite being terrified to give him that final piece of myself, I knew if I kept holding back that nothing long-lasting could grow between us. This thing we had now would slowly wither and die, until there was no choice but to separate. He would get tired of me and my lack of commitment. If I wanted to keep him—for good—I had to shed the final vestiges of my past.
Beau had been helping me let it go all along, though. He didn’t have an unkind bone in his body, and I knew in my soul that he would never, ever deliberately hurt anyone. Morespecifically, he wouldn’t hurtme. And knowing that…well, knowing that scared the ever-loving shit out of me, but it also reassured me.
The past few weeks, we’d fallen into a scarily comfortable routine; I would bring him food from the bar, he would sometimes make me delicious baked goods, and we would often lie on the couch and try to watch TV. We usually ended up having sex in one way or another, and instead of diminishing, my need for him had only grown more demanding.