He seemed to break free of whatever somber mood had enveloped him in the days following my near-confession, and I was glad. I didn’t want him to be sad, and if I’d known beforehand how he really felt about love I would’ve kept my feelings to myself.
But…he’d reassured me and given me so much courage that night that my love for him had overflowed and it just spilled out of me.
Sometimes it felt like I was taking two steps forward and then three steps sideways with him, and I didn’t know how to make the progress continue to shift in the direction I desperately wanted it to.
It was hard loving Lea and knowing that it would never be reciprocated. The hairline fracture in my heart splintered more with each passing day.
Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be loved by him, and that was something I would have to accept. But what I didn’t want to accept was not being in his life anymore.
After the first tutoring session, when we were back at the apartment, I’d asked him if he wanted me to move back into the other room.
“What?” he’d said, brows drawn together. “No, I don’t want you to—I mean, if you want to, of course you can, but that’s not whatIwant. Not at all.”
So I’d stayed put, despite knowing it would only hurt me more in the long run. Being with him was only prolonging the pain that would inevitably come when Lea realized he’d grown tired of the barnacle that had attached itself to him and wanted to scrape it off.
I was dreading that day.
Despite the apprehension that was plaguing me on a daily basis, Lea hadn’t wavered from his usual self. It seemed like he wanted to spend more time with me than ever, as if he truly enjoyed being with me. The way his face would light up when he first saw me after we’d been apart—well, that was worth everything.
He was still adamant about attending the tutoring sessions with me, acting as silent support and my own personal talisman of courage as he sat in the back. Knowing he was there, knowing he was proud of me, calmed my nerves and bolstered my self-esteem. Lea was so confident in himself—and in me—that it was watering the seeds of my own confidence in myself and helping it grow.
Besides Lea, the kids were just awesome; they were whip-smart and quick learners. They reminded me of myself at that age. They were also goofy and ridiculous and made me laugh more times than not. But most of all, they actually liked me. They looked up to me. It was an incredible feeling, to have someone looking to me for answers and being able to provide them; I’d never been a role model for anyone, so having this opportunity now…I was so thankful to Lea for bringing it to my attention and encouraging me to do it because I never would have done this on my own.
All in all, it seemed like things were changing again—but definitely for the better.
What gave me hope that I had a sliver of a chance with Lea were the small things he did for me. He would bring back food from the bar for me—and for bar food, it was actually really good. He got a hair trimmer and buzzed my sides for me, though he told me it was for purely selfish reasons. He began leaving little post-it notes with his beautiful handwriting everywhere, and whenever I found one—inside a cabinet door, on the fridge, below the TV, inside the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, on one of my computer monitors—my heart would skip a beat and excitement would pour through me. They were adorable notes and I saved them all in a little tin container that used to hold tea. They were just small observations or random snippets, but I cherished each and every one.
Your ass looked luscious last night. I wanted to bite it, but you were sleeping and I resisted. Barely. You’re welcome, babe. <3
I won’t be back until late tonight, don’t wait up for me. Or do. ;)
The strawberry cake in the fridge is for you. If you want to eat it off me later, well… :D
Riley says hi! And he wants to meet you. :)
I really like your face. Like, a lot.
Don’t use all my shampoo, darling, it’s très expensive. P.S. I love it when you usemy shampoo.
I can barely walk today, but don’t worry, that’s not a complaint, it’s a compliment. <3
When Lea wasn’t home and I was missing him, I would take them out and read them again. It made me think that he did have feelings for me—maybe not love, but I was sure he liked me, at the very least.
So that was why today—two weeks after Judy had left, two weeks where he hadn’t mentioned a word about me leaving his room or his apartment or his life, two weeks where I’d been happier than ever and was sure he’d been too, two weeks of getting a taste of what a lifetime with this man could be—I was going to try one last time to tell him how I felt.
For days I’d been mustering up the courage to do this, and I’d finally gathered enough.
I’d been too afraid to try and say those three words again, and I was so desperate to avoid conflict of any kind that I’d been so quiet. I understood why Lea was hesitant to accept what I had to say. I really did. But for my sake, I needed to tell him.
Just once.
I’d spent my entire life catering to the needs of other people. What started as self-preservation with her had bled into my interactions with others. It was ingrained in me to placate and please, to put everyone else first, but now…I wasn’t going to do that.
Lea was the only person I wanted to be with, and come what may, I needed him to know that.
From the moment I’d met him, I’d known he was special. But these past few months had been the most fulfilling time of my life. I often wondered what an entire lifetime of that could do for me. What it could do for Lea.
I loved him for everything he was. I loved his effortless charm and playful nature. I loved his Hawaiian shirts with cute patterns. I loved his constant need to touch and be touched. I loved his smiles and his voice and the way he smelled. I loved the way he made me feel.