If I couldn’t push her away afterwards, I couldn’t fuck her. And when I was around her? I very much wanted to fuck her. But the premature guilt was already right there, ready to eat me alive if I even so much as kissed her.
Gods, I wanted to kiss her, though.
My subconscious was reeling at these stupid little thoughts every time they cropped up. I couldn’t believe I was seriously fantasizing over a kiss. What was I, fourteen?
Literally what the fuck is wrong with you?
I didn’t have enough time to go down that list, though. I had to get ready for work.
As I washed my face and got dressed, I reminded myself that I was doing the right thing in holding my ground. As unpleasant as the experience may be, the right thing to do here was to continue avoiding Arken like the damn plague, and to suffer about it in silence.
It was ultimately better for the both of us, because whether the Little Conduit enjoyed her time in the Shadows or not, she would not enjoy her time in mine.
There was nothing comforting about the beasts that hid within that darkness.
Even if I wasn’t a miserable son of a bitch, it was far too dangerous for me to want… what I wanted from her.
Everything. Anything.
Fucking Hel.
By the time I made it to my shift monitoring the Eastern Gates for the night, I was in a foul mood.
It must have been very clear in my expression, because most of my men gave me a pretty wide berth, asking questions and confirming post details, but not much more. That was probably for the best.
“Hey, Captain?”
One of the newer recruits, Grant Kraiggson, made his way over to me, blissfully ignorant of my current mood.
“Yeah?”
“It’s probably not important, but some dark-haired woman came up looking for you earlier this afternoon. Asked if any of us had seen you recently. We followed protocol, of course—didn’t give her any info. But does she sound familiar? Pale, maybe 5‘5, big brown eyes, uhh, kinda cute?”
I set my jaw to avoid a very irrational response to this poor kid, who was catching me on the worst night to receive this exact information. It wasn’t even jealousy that had me simmering, it was the crude description.Kinda cute?
Unless there was some other short, deliciously soft, doe-eyed woman I’d accidentally ensnared recently and didn’t know about, Grant had to be talking about Arken, and she went well beyond “kinda cute.”
She was so godsdamned hot that it had been ruining me for a week straight.
“She said her name was Arken. Anyway, just wanted to see if you knew her, and if you wanted us to tell her anything if she comes ‘round again. She seemed pretty intent on finding ya.”
I exhaled through my nose, unsure of what answer I wanted to give. A very stupid part of me—one that was most definitely thinking with the wrong head—was ecstatic that Arken had sought me out.
“If she comes back again, you can give her my schedule. But please report back if you do so. Immediately.”
Whether that was so that I could anticipate her, or change my schedule entirely to avoid her, I wasn’t sure yet.
“Yes, sir.”
He paused for a moment, expression obviously curious, but torn. Clearly debating whether or not the risk was worth the reward.
“If you’re about to ask me about her, I highly recommend that you reconsider. If you’d like your evening to remain pleasant, that is, Kraiggson.”
“Yes sir. Sorry, sir.”
I sighed.
“Get back to your post, please.”