I was done for.
And yet the mere thought of it sent frissons of pleasure up and down my spine, awakening the most desperate desire of my life, as I realized there was one thing in this world that I wanted more than Arken’s body.
I wanted her heart.
I would die for it. I would kill for it. I didn’t deserve it—I could live a thousand lifetimes and still never possibly deserve it, but that wasn’t enough to stop me. Though perhaps it should have been.
I wasn’t born for love. The prophecy that had been forcefully etched into my skin with needles and ink was not one that had a happy ending—or so I thought. I had always told myself that there was no Light for me at the end of this tunnel, only the briefest moments of it, flashing too fast for me to hold on to, always leaving me blind by the time the Shadows fell again.
Because in the face of so much pain and unavoidable despair, you learn to wear apathy like armor. A child weaned with blood on the tongue has no room to develop a taste for things like milk and honey.
There was just something about her, though, that left me desperate for an alternate fate. I didn’t want to be apathetic around her—I didn’t have the capacity to be apathetic around her. Arken Asher had torn through all my darkest nights, shimmering across the skies like a violent meteor—brilliant, awe-inspiring, and dangerous. Something worth wishing on. Someone worth living for.
For Arken, I would go to war with my own demons. I would fight the Fates, the gods, and the very Source itself—if that’s what it took for me to hold onto her.
As I trudged past the shoreline, making my way back to Muniin, I took pause at a small glint of iridescence in the sand. As I bent over to pick it up, I realized that it was a small chunk of astral quartz, fitting neatly in my palm and tumbled smooth, like seaglass. I immediately pocketed the stone, knowing that Arken would adore it. As I so adored her.
Though this newfound vulnerability—thisterrifyinguncertainty still crashed around my mind as violently as the tides behind me, I also felt something else. A flicker of something so foreign, so unfamiliar that it took me a moment to give it a name.
Hope.
This was uncharted territory. Hallowed ground. These were emotions I never expected to have to navigate. For the first time in a very long time, I felt entirely out of my element.
No matter how she felt about me, whether this feeling was mutual or not…
She and I would figure it out.
I knew we would.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Arken
Of all the days for lectures to be canceled, I sighed to myself.
Shortly after Kieran left, I made my way home and promptly received a notice that all classes in or around the Wyldwoods this afternoon would be postponed—something about routine maintenance on the wards. Conduits were instructed to either stay home, or meet for independent study groups at the Biblyos.
I had no interest in the group study option, though part of me wished that I had the foresight to linger just a little bit longer at Kieran’s townhouse. Something about this studio—once my private safe haven and soft place to land—now felt isolating and empty. The space felt several degrees colder without the warmth of his presence, the heat of his gaze. Gods, that was a terrifying thought.
Oh, don’t be shy, Arken, Hans had said.Kier gets’em all eventually.
I shook the thought from my mind, in dire need of a distraction. Stupid routine maintenance—we’d never had classes canceled for ward work before. And hadn’t Kieran said that the Elders refreshed the wardpoints pretty regularly? Odd that the Studium grounds would need something specific, right around the same time that Kier got dragged back to headquarters for what sounded like an urgent request from his commander…
I knew better than to snoop around the business of the gods or the Elder Guard, but I hoped everything was okay… and that everyone was safe.
Unsure of what to do with the irrational and arguably misplaced anxiety growing in my chest, I decided to go for a run. Not mypreferredsource of exercise these days, but if I wanted to pass my endurance test for Physical Arcana next quarter, I needed to keep up with the routine. Training clothes on and hair tied back, I began my standard circuit from my studio to the Eastern Gates.
Every time an invasive thought tried to wriggle its way into my consciousness, I upped my pace and focused on that challenge instead—so needless to say, I made it to the edge of the city in minutes. I hadn’t even realized that Icouldrun that fast. It was sort of exhilarating. The gentle breeze felt more like a powerful tailwind, pushing me forward, lightening every stride. By the time I reached the gates, my lungs were burning and I was breathing hard, stretching out my sore abdominal muscles with every heaving gasp of air.
I leaned against the limestone city walls to catch my breath, grateful for the shadows they cast against the midday sun. The white stonework was deliciously cool against my back as I drank deeply from my waterskin. Wistfully, I stared out towards the entry trail to the Wyldwoods and sighed. I had promised Kieranthat I wouldn’t wander them alone anymore. Not after the Leshy.
It was a silly promise to make, really. I was born in the Brindlewoods, I grew up crawling through blankets of moss and pine needles. My younger years were practically defined by how often I would find myself lost in the woods… but then again, I was a bolder, more fearless creature back then.
Absently, I brushed my fingers over my ribcage, where the scars would remain—memories of the Leshy’s claws still so visceral and violent. The pain was the last thing I really remembered from that night, before it all began to warp and fade. I shuddered a bit, remembering the way the toxinsburned,the way I had to cling to Kieran for dear life as my body had started to weaken and shut down after the daemon’s blow…
I was truly lucky to be alive. So even though I craved that quiet calmness, that stillness of mind that the resinous scent of pine always produced for me when I took my little walks through the forest alone… I kept my promise to the man who saved my life.
After a few more sips of water, I turned around and ran the rest of my circuit around the Student’s Quarter instead. I could always drag Kieran into the woods with me later, and replace those bad memories with something better.