I woke up in a cold sweat, gasping, daggers already in hand.
Fuck.Fuck.
I hadn’t had one of those nightmares in years. I tried to steady my shaking hands as they returned the blades to their proper holsters, breathing hard through my nose. Dagon had not haunted my dreams in ages. Why now?
Because you’re in love with her. You’re in love with her, and now you have something you’re not willing to lose.
No, it went beyond unwilling. Such a thing had become an unfathomable horror.Something beyond comprehension.No, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her—and I had known that since the night with the Leshy—but could I ever reallyhaveher,either? The burden of my secrets might have been agonizing to bear alone, but it was the lesser of two evils. I had decided that a long time ago.
Nausea curled in my gut. I couldn’t deal with that train of thought—not now, not here, where the walls of my office felt as though they were closing in on me. This room was far too small, too contained. I needed to get out of here.
Hans attempted to approach me as I strode through the halls at a brisk pace.
“Hey, Cap, I just wanted to apologize about earlier—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “If anyone asks, I’m out for the rest of the day. Make sure Jeremiah has what he needs to start patrols tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” Lieutenant Deering said, clear concern in his eyes. “Do you need anything else?”
“No,” I said bluntly, taking a hard left towards the stables, leaving the man standing alone and confused in the hall.
I found Muniin, my favored cavalry mare, quickly prepared her saddle, and took off towards the Pyrhhan Coast before anyone could even realize we were gone.
Something about the scent of saltwater and the gentle repetition of crashing waves had always soothed me.
I had spent a great deal of time on these beaches over the years, particularly as an angst-ridden, brooding teen, and I still found myself coming back to the sea whenever I got overwhelmed. It had been awhile, though. I hadn’t been back here since I met Arken last year.
Arken.
My throat began to constrict as I dismounted, that sense of overwhelm and dread beginning to take over again.
Breathe.
I just needed to breathe.
I left Muniin tethered to the rickety old driftwood fence that marked this particular subset of the beach as private property, knowing that she would stay put. Also knowing that the owner of said private property never came down here, anyway. Not anymore.
It wasn’t until I made it to the shoreline that I allowed myself to think. To feel. And as the seafoam and saltwater began to break down my defenses, the first thing I felt wasfear.
Complete and utter terror.
Because I loved her.
I was in love with her.
Fuck.
I didn’t even know what to do with that information. I had never even considered it as a possibility—never intended to get close enough to anyone for such a thing to ever happen. I had successfully kept everyone and everything at a comfortable, safe distance for years.Years.
And then Arken fucking Asher came along.
Confusion and guilt joined the fray alongside the terror, rippling through me in waves as I realized that in breaking my rules for her—in allowing myself this one, single exception… I had left myself vulnerable. I had carved out a perfect hole in my armor. I had something to lose, now—and if I ever lost her, I wasn’t sure that I could bear it.
I thought about the way she looked at me lately, like I had personally hung every star in the night sky. Like I had crafted the constellations she so adored with my bare hands. I thought about the purity of her trust, the vulnerability that those gorgeous, golden doe eyes held, the way that she said my name. The way every kiss tasted like a promise on her tongue.
I thought about how immediately Arken had developed the habit of curling her body against mine after we exhausted ourselves, how quick she was to fall asleep, so long as her head was on my chest.
It was one thing for me to be in love with her. But if there was even a fraction of a chance that Arken felt similarly…