Fucking Hel, I missed him already. It had been, what—an hour? Two at most, and already his absence felt like some phantom limb, an extension of myself that had been severed.
That’s sort of pathetic, Arken,I groaned internally.
And it was, wasn’t it? I mean, I knew that part of this was just me being pouty at this point, but Kieran’s lieutenants had rudely interrupted an artful game of seduction that he and I had been playing all morning, a game that I had been winning.I had been right on the cusp of receiving my prize, with his fist in my hair—the man still had promises of duressto make good on.
I am going to fucking ruin you,he’d sworn—and godsdamn, I hoped that promise extended to whenever he wrapped up with work today. Nevermind the fact that we had been having nearly non-stop sex for over a week, the man still left me both sated and insatiable. I had been half-tempted to beg him to stay home, to lie to his commander again, just to remain in that decadent moment on his lap—but I had nipped that thought in the bud before I could make an absolute ass out of myself. Because there was more to all of this than just lust, now wasn’t there?
Kieran’s work, for as little as I truly knew about it, was important to this city. It was important tohim. I hadn’t forgotten his confession at the wardpoint—that becoming a captain on the Elder Guard was one of the few things in life that he was proud of. I refused to be so needy as to pull him away from what actually fulfilled him in life. And yet I felt sogodsdamnedneedy in his absence, even after the run.
I wasn’t used to this. It had never been like that with Graysen, and no other relationship had ever come close to this inexplicable magnetism, these tangled ties between Kieran and I.
He gets’em all eventually.
Fucking Hans. I loved Kieran’s lieutenants like they were my own brothers, butgods, that was the last thing I needed to hear this morning. I scowled at the memory of the lieutenant’s little slip up, and the way Kieran’s eyes had flashed in warning. Was that for the sake of my feelings? Or was it because Hans was right?
This was the exact sort of introspection that I had hoped academia would help me avoid. I had been dancing around it for something close to nine days now, side stepping every reminder that Kieran and I had kept things platonic for areason.I really didn’t want to think about what came next, whenever theafterglow of all the flawless sex began to fade. Whenever Kieran got bored, or came to his senses. It was bound to happen, right?
I could hardly offer a fair substitution for his freedom to sample every gorgeous creature that Sophrosyne had to offer, unfettered by the burdens of regret, or expectations.
Except what killed me was that Kieran was breaking all of his rules with me, as of late. In the quiet moments in between our desperate hunt for pleasure and release, he was letting me in. Exposing tiny slivers of vulnerability. Gaps in his armor. In between tangled sheets and tangled limbs, Kieran had started letting down his walls.
And I could never return the favor.
It was for this exact reason that I was currently alone, too. Kieran’s dedication to the Guard would always be a secret point of contention, something that prevented me from giving myself over to him in full. Even if I really, really wanted to give him everything.
So maybe it was for the best if Hans was right in suggesting that, at the end of the day, I was just another notch in Kieran’s bedpost. There was no denying the fact that I was falling for him. And perhaps I had been falling for a long time.
But could I really risk it?
I had no reason to doubt the ferocity of Amaretta’s warnings—her sharp insistence that if I were to expose my secrets in Sophrosyne, it would be one of the most dangerous things I could ever do. I believed my mentor when she told me that the truth of my Resonances could very well put my life at risk. She had told me explicitly to avoid two things in this city when I could help it: The Elders, and the Elder Guard. I still didn’t fully understandwhy, having fallen behind on much of my research on the matter, but that didn’t mean I was prepared to flirt with my own demise.
It wasn’t as if I thought that Kieran couldn’t keep my secrets, either. The man was essentially an expert in that regard. If Kier had any feelings for me at all, and he somehow found out that I could wield more than just Light, there was no doubt in my mind that he would keep that to himself. But I could never ask that of him.
It would essentially be asking Kieran to put his loyalty to me above that of the Elder Guard—and exactly what had I done to earn the right to make such a demand? How could I possibly expect him to betray that sense of pride and loyalty andhonorthat clearly meant so much to him? His father was dead, his brother estranged—the Guard and his men were the closest thing he had to a family.
At the same time, the burden of this secret would always be an integral part of who I was. It was why, prior to Kieran, I kept everything so close to my chest. The Resonances had altered my childhood, sown seeds of doubt into my very identity. Doubts that I had yet to dispel. These secrets were the only reason I was evenhere,in Sophrosyne—or at least, they used to be.
If I let myself love him, I would be lying to him for the rest of my life.
Could I live with that?
Hours passed by for the remainder of the afternoon, sluggish and slow.
In between reading and occasionally dozing off, catching up on lost sleep, I continued to oscillate between missing Kieran,wantingKieran, and ruminating over the inevitable serious conversations to come.
Just before the sun began to set, his raven appeared.
So sorry this is taking so long, sweetheart. I’ll be back in the city within an hour or so. Can I bring dinner?
The immediate swell of relief and the sheer, unbridled happiness that bloomed in my chest just seeing hishandwritingwas absurd.
Yes, please. I’m starving.
It only took him a moment to reply.
I mean, so am I. But that would be for your cunt, not necessarily a meal, Little Conduit…
There was a brief pause before the next scrap of parchment showed up, as if Kieran needed to take a moment to laugh at his own depraved commentary. I couldn’t help but grin at the thought.