Emi looks me straight in the eyes and says, “We’re best friends. I always want you around.”
She says it like it’s the most obvious answer in the world, and suddenly I feel really dumb. Emi clearly doesn’t care about any of the things I was worrying over. All this time, I was doing things I didn’t want to do and worrying that my friends didn’t want me around, and it all could’ve been solved by a simple conversation. Jay was right, and this time I won’t mind hearing him gloat about it once I tell him.
Keeping that in mind, I take a breath for the confidence to say what I should’ve said from the very first day. “I don’t want to go on the blind dates anymore. I never wanted to. I only agreed because I thought if I didn’t, you and Kalani would stop inviting me to hang out with you. I love Daphne and Emmett, and I love hanging out with all five of us together, but I miss having that one-on-one time with you and Kalani. Those days where we’d stay up till three in the morning watching scary movies even though we talked through them and had no idea what was going on. Or those times we’d bike up that big hill on Main Street and be so tired we’d call your dad to come pick us up. Or those times we all sat in my room on lazy afternoons sending funny memes and videos to each other. I justmissyou guys, and I’m scared that we’re going to drift apart now that we’re graduating and heading off to different universities in the fall. I don’t want to lose my best friends.”
I feel vulnerable laying my feelings bare for her like that. In fact, it’s the exact type of confrontation I’ve spent forever trying to avoid. But now that the words are out, I can’t take them back, and that gives me some sense of relief, knowing that I can’t take the easy way out by staying silent.
“I don’t know where you think I’m going,” Emi starts, a determined look on her face, “but you’re stuck with me. You’re going to walk into your house andbam, I’m there trying to force Kevin to let me pet her. You’re going to try to reverse out of your parking spot at school andbam, I’m in the rearview mirror with a bag of chicken tacos. You’re going to be in the lecture hall for exams andbam, I’m the girl sitting behind you chewing her gum too loudly.”
I laugh at Emi’s dramatic scenarios, the heaviness in my chest dissipating. “I get it, I get it; you’re not going anywhere.”
Emi’s smile is wide and confident. “You got that right. And I’m sorry for getting caught up in the new girlfriend excitement and doing that thing people do where they get in a relationship and get so wrapped up in that person they suddenly forget about their friends. That’s not cool of me, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”
“No, Emi, you’re great. You still made time for us with the group dates. I should’ve said something, or at least tried a bit harder to make plans for just the three of us.”
“Oh shit.” Emi covers her face with her hands. “You did. You always asked me and Kalani to hang out. Like the art exhibit you wanted to see! And we always hijacked the plans and invited our partners.”
“I like hanging out with Daphne and Emmett too, though! I didn’t mind!” I add quickly. I’m not trying to say I don’t want them to bring their partners around ever, because that’s not the case at all! I like their partners, and I like hanging out with them all, and I’d never tell her to stop inviting Daphne out.
“No, I know, that’s beside the point,” Emi says. “I know you like hanging out with us all, and that doesn’t make you afifth wheelor whatever stupid bullshit Kalani said. But we shouldn’t have forgotten about our friendship or made you feel like we’re only dragging you along on our dates. We’re still friends and can hang out with and without our partners! In fact, let’s go to that art exhibit you keep bringing up tomorrow after school.”
“Oh, it was only for a limited time. It’s not here anymore.”
Emi’s eyes widen. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Carina. You brought it up so many times, and we never seriously considered it. Maybe we can find out where they’re going next and do a road trip!”
It’s sweet of her but unnecessary. “Don’t worry . . . Jay took me,” I add, feeling shy for some reason.
“Jaytook you?” Emi’s eyebrows rise to her hairline before her lips tug up in a smug smile. “Well, now I feel like I need to be the one to tell you not to forget about your friends in this exciting new partner stage! Just because you have a hot new boyfriend you like to have angsty bantering foreplay with doesn’t mean you can blow me off. You better make time for me!”
I laugh and shove her, though there’s nowhere for her to go in the confined space of the car. Jay is not my boyfriend—I don’t even have time to worry about what’s going on between the two of us right now—but it feels great to have cleared the air between me and Emi.
“We do not have ‘angsty bantering foreplay’!”
She laughs along with me, and the sound is light and carefree. “Yousodo. And it is the angstiest and banteryist.”
“Shut up.” I laugh, not meaning it.
“Well, since you’re about to be caught up in your hot new boyfriend and forget to make time for me, let’s have designated BFF nights: one day every week or two, just the two of us and no partners. That way, we can have meaningful BFF time before we go away to school, and our partners won’t get sick of us being around them all the time.”
My smile is wide and genuine when I say, “I’d like that.”
“C’mere, you,” Emi demands, pulling me in for a hug. It’s awkward because the center console of my car is in the way, but it’s meaningful and sweet and healing nonetheless.
I feel immensely better now that I got everything off my chest. By not saying anything before, I was expecting change without doing anything to make my thoughts heard. But now Emi knows how I feel, and we’re even better friends than we were before.
I’m making a promise to myself right now that I’m going to work on being honest about how I’m feeling and not hold back because I’m scared of hard conversations. Not all confrontation is bad—and even if it is, sometimes it’s necessary. I can’t keep living with this tight ball of anxiety in my chest, doing things I don’t want to because I’m uncomfortable sharing my true thoughts and feelings or I’m scared of rejection.
But even with my new attitude, I’m avoiding the biggest confrontation that’s been impending for maybe years now: a real talk with Kalani.
Being open with Emi was easy. I didn’t have a crush onherpartner, and she’s not the one who recorded a video of me and sent it out to everyone to embarrass me. She’s not the one who made me feel like a fifth wheel or came up with the idea of setting me up on blind dates then purposely made sure they’d fail.
Why? To humiliate me? To make me feel bad? So she could tell me it’s my fault they’re failing and make me think something’s wrong with me?
Is it even possible to have a real, truthful, constructive conversation with Kalani? Obviously, something about me is bothering her, because her actions aren’t coming from nowhere. This is a conversationbothof us need, but will we even be able to have it, or are Kalani and I past that point?
Emi and I say goodbye, and I wave from the porch as she gets in her car, honking as she takes off, not caring that most people are in bed already.
Kevin’s waiting for me when I enter the house, jumping up and wagging her little tail like she hasn’t seen me in months. I pet her and kiss her and coo at her like I do every time I enter the house, and she flops on her back for belly rubs, loving the attention.