I love her.Kevinis really my best friend. She always cheers me up and is happy to just be with me. Kevin doesn’t send me on bad dates or take joy in my humiliation. She follows me up the stairs and into my room, where I place her on my bed. She promptly curls up in her spot and falls asleep.
As I gather my things for a shower, my phone pings. It’s a message from Jay.
Are you home? How are you feeling?
I type a reply back to him.
Yes, I’m home. And I’m feeling much better. Telling people how I really feel is great.
His answer is immediate.
Good. Don’t shy away from confrontation. If it helps, just imagine everyone is me and you’re pissed, which shouldn’t be too hard for you, and the truth will come pouring out.
I laugh at my phone. There’s something about Jay that both frustrates and excites me. Emi says that’s“angsty, bantering foreplay,” and the realization makes me laugh harder. I debate telling Jay about Emi’s theory, but he’ll probably enjoy it too much and say something annoying to tease me and make my face turn bright red, so I decide against it.
Instead, I send this.
Thanks for tonight, Jay. I had a lot of fun. Just what I needed to forget about everything before class tomorrow.
You let me know if those fuckheads at school give you a hard time tomorrow.
I’m not sure what he’d even do, but the comfort of knowing he cares enough to threaten a bunch of kids he’s never met before and who could possibly be bigger than him—which isn’t the case, but he doesn’t know that—causes fluttering in my stomach.
I’m not sure what exactly we’re doing or where we stand with each other, but that’s one conversation I’m okay with saving until later. I have bigger things to worry about right now, and tomorrow’s the day I set everything straight.
I’ll be okay, have a good night, Jay.
Good night, Princess.
And because of him, it is a good night.
Twenty-One
My new be-honest-and-don’t-skirt-around-telling-people-how-you-feel attitude sticks when I wake up in the morning. School is going to suck, and people are going to whisper and gawk and call me Pukey McBarfface,but Emi and Jay are right. Who cares about those kids? If they’re making fun of me, they’re not really my friends anyway and their opinion doesn’t matter.
Plus, it’s already Wednesday, and exams start next week, then prom, then grad, then I never have to see any of these kids again.
So instead of wallowing as I’ve allowed myself to do for the last two days, I put on my uniform and matching black lace panties that make me feel badass, grab a pear-and-walnut muffin my dad baked last night for breakfast, and drive to school with all the confidence of a girl on a mission. Because I am on a mission: I’m determined to get to the bottom of everything that’s going on between me and Kalani.
No more avoidance, no more pretending there isn’t an issue, no more fear of rejection, no more backing down to not hurt anyone’s feelings. This new and improved Carina Costella is here to stay.
Eyes are on me as I walk through the parking lot and the halls of Oakwoods, making it very clear no one has gotten over it yet and I’m still the latest piece of entertaining gossip for the student body. I ignore it all and keep my head held high, even when I pass Steven, the boy who told me to stay away from his car Monday in case I puked on it.
He averts his gaze from me, probably still embarrassed Emi called him out for eating his own boogers, and I consider that a win.
I walk past my own locker and wait by Kalani’s instead, needing to do this ASAP before I lose my nerve. But Kalani never shows up. I’m debating going to the cafeteria to see if she’s there when I spot someone down the hall.
It’s Arthur. He’s talking with his friends at the other end of the hall, and I remember the part he played in the rumors about me. We haven’t properly talked since I saw him in the library and he accused me of cheating on him then revealed Kalani gave him tips on how to win me over. After that, he apparently talked about me to everyone, putting me down to make himself seem more interesting. I can’t believe I heard him saying that he dumped me because I was a loser!
Before I can stop myself or think anything through properly, I march down the hall, my eyes zeroed in with laser-like focus on the blond boy with the black-rimmed glasses.
“Hey!” I call out when I’m close enough. Arthur and his friends turn to me, with the former’s eyes going wide. He looks around as if maybe I’m calling out to someone behind him before realizing it’s him I’m heading straight toward. “Yeah, I’m talking to you!”
His shocked face morphs into an expression of panic, and his friends scurry away as I near, leaving Arthur alone and frozen to the spot. He clearly never thought I’d actually call him out or talk to him again in school.
I stop directly in front of him. He’s my height, so we stare each other directly in the eye, his gaze panicked, mine determined.
“I should’ve done this a long time ago instead of chickening out to avoid the confrontation,” I start, my voice strong and unwavering, “but you and I are not going to work out, and that’s not entirely your fault. I wasn’t ready to date anyone and shouldn’t have agreed to start going out with people just because it was what I thought I should do. But also, if you think about it, I don’t think we were compatible anyway.” My voice softens a bit when I add, “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier instead of leading you to believe we were a thing.”