“There’s a chance this could all be a mix-up,” Jay suggests, though it’s obvious he doesn’t really believe it. Emi snorts in disagreement, but Jay continues, “You’ll never know if you don’t talk to her.”
Is it all a big misunderstanding? The signs point to no. My heart wants to believe it, but I can’t live in denial.
We reach the clearing where our cars are parked. Jay’s friends are still at the cliff hanging out, so there are still a few cars here.
Jay pulls me to the side as Emi stomps to the car, muttering in Japanese. I pick up a swear word or two that she taught me last year.
Jay places his hands on my arms and looks intently into my eyes. “Remember what we said about getting stuff off your chest and saying how you feel? Even if it makes you uncomfortable?”
I nod, but I don’t know if I can face Kalani and get everything out in the open just yet. I still need to process all these emotions and figure out exactly how it is I’m feeling and what I would evensayto her.
Jay studies me for a moment. “If she did it, she doesn’t deserve a friend like you, no matter what. Text me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay,” I repeat, and Jay pulls me in for a bone-crushing hug. I pull him even closer to me, pressing my cheek to his warm chest and inhaling his fresh scent, trying to absorb all the comfort I can take from him before he has to let me go. He reluctantly pulls back and presses a kiss to my forehead.
“You’re a badass, Princess. Don’t forget that.”
I don’t feel like one right now. I feel like a girl who wants to crawl into bed and cuddle with her dog and forget about everything threatening to turn her world upside down.
He walks me to my car, and Emi and I get in.
Beside me in the passenger seat, Emi’s ranting—in English this time—about all the things we need to say to Kalani. I let my thoughts wander instead of listening as I start the car and pull down the road.
In my rearview mirror is a reflection of Jay, who hasn’t moved from his spot, watching me slowly wind through the trail with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. He stays that way until I make a turn, and I lose sight of him completely.
Twenty
It’s completely dark by the time I pull into my driveway, but my parents have left the porch lights on for me. It’s late, and it’s quiet on my street, with most people having gone to bed already since it’s a weeknight. Emi’s Corvette sits shiny by the curb.
I spent the drive mostly in silence, with the playlist low in the background and Emi’s pestering to confront Kalani in the foreground. I hoped the drive would give me clarity on what’s going on and how to handle the situation, but it’s only made my thoughts feel more jumbled.
I shut off the engine, and Emi and I sit in silence for a few moments with our own thoughts, neither of us moving to get out.
“You know,” Emi starts, “these last couple of weeks, you’ve gotten to go out with these guys, and granted, they were mostly awful, but you still put yourself out there! And yeah, people are talking shit and acting like they’ve never puked out the window of a moving car before, but fuck ’em. None of them know how kind and smart and funny and talented you are. None of them mean shit to you. You come to school tomorrow and hold your head high knowing you’re Carina fucking Costella, and none of those shitheads at school will ever come close to your greatness.”
I stare down at my hands. “You’re just saying that because you’re my friend.”
“You’re damn right I’m your friend! And do you know why I’m your friend? Because of all that shit I just said. You’re amazing, Carina, and we’re best friends for a reason. Who else will watch shitty reality television with me on mute and make up what we think they’re saying? Who else will jam out to 80s rock at full blast and headbang until we give ourselves migraines? Who else would give me an entire set of portraits they painted themself and make me bawl my eyes out because they somehow made me look brave, bold, and confident, when sometimes I feel anything but?”
I don’t mean to, but I suddenly start tearing up. After everything, Emi is myfriend. I should’ve known I could be open and honest with her and she would’ve listened and understood. Jay was right: I need to work on communicating how I feel more, especially to the people who care about me.
“Emi, if I’d told you I didn’t want to go on dates or have a date for prom, you wouldn’t have been mad, would you?”
Emi’s eyebrows draw together. “What? Of course not. I thought you didn’t want to try the blind dates because you were shy and comfy in your bubble but secretly you wanted to and just needed a push. But if you genuinely didn’t want to do any of that and told us, I wouldn’t have cared. You don’t need a date to prom, I’ve told Kalani that countless times. No one but her cared.”
Emi never cared about any of it? I wish I had taken a second to sit back and talk with her instead of assuming everyone felt like Kalani. But still, I ask, “So you don’t think I’m a fifth wheel?”
“What? Who gave you that idea?”
I don’t answer.
Emi’s face grows grim. “Kalani, right? She said that to you?”
“Well, she wasn’t entirely wrong. I do fifth wheel you guys a lot. When we’re all out, you’re all cute with Daphne, and Emmett’s with Kalani, and I’m just . . . there. She says I make it awkward because you have to worry about me.”
Emi’s jaw clenches. “You’re only a fifth wheel if we don’t want you around. Wedo. I don’t know what’s gotten into Kalani lately, but she doesn’t speak for everyone. You’re our friend, and we don’t care if you’re single or not, and we definitely don’t need to pawn you off on someguyfor you to hang out with us, even if Jay’s growing on me.”
I laugh a little at that last part. “You reallydon’tcare, do you?”