When we end the live, I fall back against the couch, exhausted.
“Are you okay?” I ask Noi.
He nods. “That was a lot.”
“Yeah, it was. By the end of the chat, there were over nine hundred people on it.” I look around at all the picture frames, art, and toys. “What are we going to do with all of this?”
“I want this fan art,” Noi says, clutching the laminated pages to his chest.
“I don’t mean I want to get rid of any of it, but how and where are we going to put it?”
“Maybe Mae and Pah will store it for us. Later, we can go through it all and decide what to keep and what to donate.” Noi looks around. “I hate to get rid of any of it, though. I can’t believe people out there like us so much that they spent hours making us gifts.”
I nod. It’s very humbling.
Chapter Twenty-three: Mee Noi
June goes by in a blur of non-stop filming, photoshoots, and company appearances. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get through the first game show we did with the other Rainbow TV actors or the first live we did with our fan group, but Sud made doing them easier by just being with me. However, I’m exhausted.
The truth is, I’m struggling with acting. It doesn’t come easy to me like it does to Sud. I’m good at memorizing my lines but not so good at figuring out the emotions behind them. I don’t want Sud to know how difficult it is for me, though, or how much I have to research and practice on my own just to do a passable job. Today we had to do over a dozen takes for a scene because of me. Frustrated and near tears, I finally break down and go to Khun Intapong to voice my concerns.
Smiling at me from behind her desk, she says, “You’re green, that’s all. We hire green actors all the time, Nong. From allreports, you’re doing just fine, but if it will make you feel more confident, I can ask Prapha to work with you after hours.”
Relieved, I thank her. I welcome P’Prapha’s help because I want to be better than “just fine” in this series. I don’t want to let Sud down.
On the way out, I stop and turn back to Khun Intapong. “Could you please not tell Sud about this extra work with P’Prapha, Khun-khap? I don’t want to worry him.”
“Of course,” Khun Intapong assures me.
From then on, after every long day of filming, I meet with P’Prapha to work on acting until I’m ready to fall over. Filming for the scene where my character breaks down is fast approaching, and I ask P’Prapha to continue training me in method acting.
“Are you sure you want to use method acting for this scene, Nong?” she asks me. “You had a difficult time pulling yourself out of it last time. Now that you’ve acted more, you can probably pull emotion out some other way.”
“I want to do what will give me the best results,” I say stubbornly, and she doesn’t argue.
Over the next couple of weeks, our sessions break me over and over again, leaving me in a state of extreme exhaustion and with a pounding stress headache. Too tired when we’re finished to do more than drop onto a couch in one of the extra offices, I start showering in the locker room of the downstairs gym and changing into clothes I leave in one of the lockers.
When I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I remind myself that this is for Sud. I can’t let him down. His entire career rests on our performance as a couple in this series.
“Noi! Wait up!” Sud calls to me one night after we finish filming. “Let’s go get something to eat before we go home. We hardly get to talk anymore.”
It’s true—although we see each other every day, there’s no time for personal interaction. Sound and Train’s relationship is doing great, but Sud and Noi’s, not so much. We haven’t even been putting out anything on social media lately.
It’s your fault.
I feel like shit to always be making excuses, but what else can I do? I have to practice so he won’t be ashamed of the series we made together. I also don’t want him worrying that I’m running myself into the ground. It won’t be forever.
“I’m exhausted, Sud. I have to get to bed. I’m sorry. Another time?”
He looks like he doesn’t believe my excuse. I expect him to get angry, but he doesn’t. He just gives a forced smile and squeezes my shoulder.
“Get some rest, then. You need a ride home?” Lately I’ve been telling him I’m riding home with one of the actors who lives in the same building I do.
“Uh, no. I’m catching a ride with Ton again.”
Sud looks so sad, I almost take it back, tell P’Prapha I can’t meet her tonight, and go home with Sud. But then Khun Intapong calls for Sud, and I’m able to escape, circle around, and head back to the elevators and the floor where I’m meeting P’Prapha.
I don’t like to think about the moment Sud will turn around to find me gone.