Oh, it is, Jade. Believe me ...
‘It’s a little unconventional,’ I agree. ‘You’d need to have an open mind. But if you take a leap of faith and make a deal with me, I promise I can make your life a lot better.’
‘Now you sound like a genie rather than a life coach. Am I supposed to rub your magic lamp three times or something?’
I grin wolfishly, and Jade’s expression darkens as she realises that there’s something sinister and sexual involved in doing business with me. She grabs her phone and handbag and begins edging out of the booth.
‘OK, I’m out of here, you perv,’ she mutters. ‘Iknewthis was a mistake.’
‘Wait.’ I project some soothing energy into the space between us. ‘It’s not what you think.’
She looks at me warily. ‘Isn’t it? You mentioned your penis in the first five minutes of our conversation, and now you’re offering me some dodgy-sounding deal. I don’t care if you’re like the walking, talking version of my ideal man. I need to leavenow.’
She flushes bright red and groans softly. And I know she’s going to be kicking herself for telling me that for the next six months.
‘You’re right. What I’m offering you is dodgy. It’s dodgy as hell,’ I admit. ‘But it’s also some interesting shit that will blow your mind. And I don’t mean drugs. Will you hear me out at least? Then you can make an informed decision. You’ve booked for an hour, and trust me, you’re going to drive yourself crazy wondering what you missed out on.’
She juts out her chin. ‘I highly doubt it,Sebastian. If that’s even your name.’
Well, if she’s going to take that attitude, perhaps it’s best if I show her. Glancing around to make sure no one’s watching, I unfurl my tongue and poke it out between my lips. It splits downthe middle, into a fork. I rotate the two tips in what I hope is a comedic way, but Jade blanches.
‘What the actual fuck!’ She ogles my tongue with an expression akin to horror. ‘Who are you?’
I seal my tongue together and yank it back into my mouth with a slurp, like a large toad who’s caught a fly.
Smirking, I lean back in the booth, giving her my best seductive look: the one I save for desperate models.
‘I’m the X-rated answer to your prayers.’
3
JADE
Thefuckwitwhocallshimself Sebastian Burns throws me a cocky look that’s dripping with undisguised need. I shiver despite myself. Everything he’s saying is perverse and creepy—and that surgical thing he’s had done to his tongue, it’s so ... wrong.
I have a million alarm bells ringing in my head and red flags waving in front of my eyes. But part of me is curious about what this deal is. Plus it might be a good anecdote to store up for when I’m out on a date with a loser guy to make me sound cool and interesting. I’m in a safe space too. He can hardly assault me in a café in front of paying customers, can he?
‘Fine. You have five minutes. Then I’mdefinitelyleaving,’ I mutter, reinstating myself back in the booth and placing my phone on the table. I set a timer so he knows I mean it.
Sebastian arches an eyebrow. ‘I don’t usually have to spell it out. Most people just ... know what’s involved.’
I fold my arms. ‘I’m not most people. I need to know all the ins and outs of this deal.’
Sebastian’s shoulders shake, and his lips press tightly together. I can tell he’s struggling not to yelp with laughter. But I don’t see the joke.
I rap my knuckles on the tabletop impatiently to get his attention. ‘Well? I’m waiting.’
He takes a deep breath and drags his large hand over his face in an attempt to recover his composure. ‘OK, Jade, since you need me to spell it out for you, this is the deal: have sex with me, and I’ll make your dreams come true.’ His tone is serious, but the corner of his mouth is twitching.
Oh, I get the joke now. Ins and outs. Haha, very funny.But it doesn’t change the fact that this guy is still a fucking perv. Make my dreams come true? What a load of crap. I’m about to open my mouth and give him an earbashing about preying on innocent young women and tell him to fuck right off when I happen to glance at the card in my hand. The embossed tag line—BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW—jumps out at me. Then things kind of ... start making sense.
I look at Sebastian.Reallylook at him.
His pitchfork tie (and underwear).
His obscenely handsome face.
His obviously fake online form.