But it was nowhere near enough, and reality came screeching back with a sharp kick to my gut. I was losing my mind over a simple kiss while Cole had likely spent years partying with Rhys in sex clubs. I was no match for him, and I didn’t want to be. I liked him, and I wanted to be his friend, not a dribbling idiot who fell apart at the first sign of affection. He probably felt sorry for me.
I pulled back, wrenching myself free of his grasp. “I’ve got to go.”
“Why?”
In answer, I stepped away and made for the hallway. Cole followed me and I tried to rein myself in. To catch my thumping heart before it trampled all over the perfectly normal friendship I could have with him if I didn’t make an arse of myself by turning back and throwing myself at him.
“Toby.”
“It’s fine, honestly. Sorry I jumped you.”
“You didn’t. I—”
I shut the door behind me and ran all the way home.
5
Cole
I enjoyed teaching. Over the last few years, it had woven into the fabric of who I was and I couldn’t imagine ever not doing it, but right now, it felt as if I was lecturing on pelvic tilts from under the goddamn sea. Everything was muted. Even the empathy I felt for the class of folk with MS I was teaching was dulled by the squeeze in my heart for Toby.
Only Ella claimed more of my thoughts than he did, and she was back at her mum’s for the next four days.
I hadn’t seen Toby since he’d run out on me on Ella’s first night at the cottage. Hadn’t caught so much as a glimpse of him. It was like he didn’t exist. As if I’d dreamt him. An imaginary friend with full lips, open eyes, and the softest hair. I could still feel his jaw in my palm. His trembling body against me. I’d never lived through a kiss like that, one that went ondaysafter it was over. I was legitimately changed by it.
And I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
I led the class through some floor exercises. Though simple, it felt good to move my body. Having Ella ate into the time I had to work on myself, and I missed working out when I didn’t do it. Without the endorphins of exercise, my brain was a treacherous place to be. Overthinking became anxiety. Fatigue became a low mood I couldn’t shift. Before Ella, picking up a bloke online would often be enough to cheer me up—temporarily, at least. But I didn’t have the headspace for that shit anymore. Or the options I’d had in London. Somehow I doubted Newquay could provide the same faceless anonymity I’d had in the city.
The fuck is your problem? You don’t even want to hook up.
I didn’t. But I needed... something if I was ever going to get Toby off my mind. Something he’d made clear he wasn’t ready to give. To me, or perhaps anyone.
The class wrapped up. It was my last of the day, which had come to signal a daily game of cat and mouse with Harry as he tried to tempt me into the main house for dinner. For the last few days, I’d had Ella’s routine as an excuse not to. But she wasn’t here now, and the prospect of perhaps being in the same room as Toby had me agreeing to amble across the farm.
Harry was a gentle giant—all biceps and kindness. He eyed me as we braved the muddy puddles that had come with a heavy dose of rain. “How are you settling in?”
“To the clinic?”
“I meant in general, but yeah, okay. The clinic too.”
“I like it. Now I’ve taught some classes more than once, they’ve stopped asking me when Angelo is coming back.”
Harry laughed. “I get that in the balance sessions I took over from him too. He kept his classes quite small, so his clients are pretty attached to him.”
“Yeah, I got that. It might take some of them a while to acclimatise to my surly methods.”
“Nah, you’re all right. You’re more personable than you give yourself credit for. Always have been.”
Sometimes I forgot how long he’d known me. That he’d seen me morph from a hapless young dude into an adult who kind of knew what he was doing. “That’s sweet. It’s a terminal work in progress.”
“Isn’t everything?” Harry pushed open the door to the house and waved me inside.
I searched the cosy kitchen for Toby with little conscious thought, but he wasn’t there. Rhys was, though. I dropped into the chair beside him. “You look tired.”
“I’m on nights,” he said. “For a week.”
“At least it’s quiet enough here to sleep during the day. I always struggled with that in the city.”