Jed rolled his eyes. From the moment he’d met Olivia, she’d made no secret of her desire to see him happy and settled with a partner. “Max,” he said reluctantly. “But he’s just, uh, my roommate.”
The words felt wrong even as he said them. His mind was convoluted and weary, and he was tired to the bone, but there was no denying that Max wasn’tjustanything.
Olivia snorted, but the slight smirk on her face faded as they reached the end of the path. The people who’d attended the service were gathered around the corner in her brother’s house, and she seemed to know without asking that Jed wasn’t coming in.
Leaving Olivia and Sam was almost as difficult as coming to Phoenix in the first place, but even as Olivia pushed a battered envelope into Jed’s hands, he knew he had to go.
There had been men he recognized in the church, but no one he knew well enough to call a friend. Anyone he’d worked with in recent years was either dead, fucked up, or still in the field. The only military people here were empty faces. They didn’t mean anything to him, and he didn’t belong here anymore than he did in Ashton.
Jed set Sam down. It was only the second time they’d ever met, the first being on a Turkish airbase when Sam was just six weeks old, but his wide eyes were so much like Paul’s, bright and laughing, Jed couldn’t leave without saying good-bye properly. He knelt awkwardly on the ground and pulled Sam close. Sam’s young, chubby hands were hot and sticky. “You remember what we talked about, buddy?”
Sam screwed up his face and thought hard. “I be good for Mama and not make a mess?”
Despite himself, Jed smiled. It was a pretty good summary of the conversation they’d had at the park early that morning. “Nah, you can make a mess, but you have to help clean it up. You gonna take care of your mama for me?”
“Even when she’s sad?”
“Yeah, especially when she’s sad. You’re her little man now. She needs you.”
Sam kissed Jed’s cheek and disappeared into the nearby house. Jed watched him scamper safely into the arms of his waiting uncle and got stiffly to his feet. Olivia leaned into him again and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her swollen belly into his own delinquent stomach.
“Paul never lied to me, Jed,” she said softly. “Even when it was something he knew could hurt me. I’ll never regret a moment I spent with him, but I’ll always know a piece of his heart belonged to you.”
Jed looked down, taking in Olivia’s steady, watery gaze and honest face. “Nothing happened.”
“Oh, I know, and I’m not sure how I would’ve felt even if it had. Paul loved you, and he wanted you in our lives, Jed, whatever happened. Don’t stay away because of some misguided sense of guilt.”
Olivia took advantage of his momentary distraction and kissed him, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. It took only a moment for her to realize her mistake. She pulled away, a sob caught in her throat. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry, Jed. You look so much like him. I’m so sorry.”
Jed closed his eyes and held her close for a long time. He’d often heard that he and Paul looked like brothers, both tall and blond, but the similarities ended there. Paul had been larger than life in every way, as loud and raucous as Jed was quiet, and his eyes were warm and brown… a few shades lighter than Max’s.
Max.
Jed let go of Olivia. The throb in his chest turned to an aching pull. Olivia pleaded with him to stay, but he couldn’t. Instead, he took her to the door of her brother’s house, turned his back on her, and walked away.
AFEWdays later, in the early hours of the morning, Jed passed the Ashton border with a heavy heart. His time in Phoenix felt like a lifetime ago, but before he could put it in the locked box in his heart… before he could deal with the bullshit he’d left in Ashton—Frank’s death, fighting with Nick, kissing Max—there was one thing left he had to do.
He pulled the truck into the parking lot at the foot of one of the mountain trails and killed the engine. For a moment, he sat slumped with his head on the steering wheel. He was tired, he could barely see, and he desperately wanted to see Max, but at the same time, the thought of going back to the cabin filled him with dread.
Even with Paul’s envelope burning a hole in his pocket, the memory of Max’s lips on his was exhilarating. Max’s kiss had been spurred, no doubt, by inebriation, but Jed had kissed him back, kissed him back with everything he had until suddenly, Max was gone. Jed had hovered outside Max’s closed bedroom door for hours after that. Jed sighed and reached for the envelope in his pocket. He’d always known Paul would leave him something, a cryptic message, a vulgar photograph… anything to let him know their undefined relationship had been real. He hadn’t expected a letter, though, or a stack of photographs spanning all the years they’d worked in each other’s pockets.
He flipped through the grainy images, but his heart wasn’t in it. Halfway through, he let the pile drop back into the envelope, unfolded the crumpled letter, noted it was dated a week before Paul’s death, and began to read.
J,
Man, I don’t know what to say. Words ain’t my thing. Of the two of us, you’ve always been the literary geek. Without the muscles and ink, I reckon you’d be a nerd for sure.
Shit, I’m digressing already… better get to it before you start shouting for me to get my ass up out of this cushy den Raffi’s got behind the grenades.
So, if you’re reading this, I guess I’m dead, or at the very least, a fucking limbless vegetable. (If that’s the case, you better be ninja-ing your ass into that hospital to turn me off. No machines. Ever. Real or quit. You know the deal.)
Anyway… yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I’m just gonna say it. No point ignoring it now, right?
I don’t understand the feelings I have for you. I don’t want to bang you… trust me, dude, I’ve thought about it so much you wouldn’t believe…. But, shit. I don’t want to shake your hand either. You do something to me I’ve never known before. Part of me wants to kill you for that, but I guess it’s too late, ’cause I’m already dead.
You should know, last time I was home I told Olivia everything. She knows how I feel about you, and you know what? I’m not even sorry. We haven’t done anything wrong, and I love her as much as I ever did.
You’ve never asked anything of me, and I know you never will, but if shit goes down and I really do end up dead, I need you to know that in another life, another world… fuck, maybe even in this one, it could’ve been you.