“You didn’t.Tean, you really didn’t.I didn’t tell you, and you didn’t know.”
A ghost of a smile crossed Tean’s face.“That’s kind of you.And I’m not sure it’s true.But I certainly screwed up a lot of things today.”
Jem’s grip firmed, but he didn’t speak.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Tean said slowly.“I don’t even know how to explain it.Not entirely.”He thought that was the end, but then he heard himself say, words tight, “I was so angry.I don’t even know the last time I was that angry.My gosh, Jem, I stole a truck.And then I drove two hours to take a swing at Joe Neff.And you know what the worst part of it is?”
“Tean,” Jem said gently.
“The worst part is that I failed.Again.I thought— I don’t know what I thought I was going to do.Beat him up, I guess.”He tried to laugh, but the sound wouldn’t come out.“Like that was going to change anything.He’s got exactly what he wants.Fish and Wildlife is going to tell him he can shoot that wolf.And it’s going to be a game for him.He’s not going to do it because he needs to.He’s going to do it because he wants to.Because he likes the thought of killing something.Because he can.And because then he’ll be able to brag to his buddies about it, when they haven’t killed anything bigger than a coyote.”
“This is the rancher?”Jem asked.
Nodding, Tean continued—a flood of words.“I told myself I wasn’t going to let this happen.I told myself I wasn’t going to let them push me into this.And instead, you know what I did?I let myself get involved in helping Ammon, and I did all the work for them.This is my fault.Because if I hadn’t tried to help Ammon, I wouldn’t have gotten on those SBI agents’ radar.And if they hadn’t gone to talk to Karli, she wouldn’t have had an excuse to put me on leave.And I’d have been able to finish my report, and the depredation investigation would have been closed.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself,” Jem said.“You were trying to do what you thought was right.You didn’t know how things were going to turn out.”
“I should have.I should have known, Jem.Because every time I do this, every time I think I’ve got the whole world figured out, and I know who I am, and I’m not going to let anyone take that away from me, I’m the one who blows the whole thing up.I was this good little Mormon boy, and I knew how the whole universe worked.And what did I do?I fucked Ammon on mymission, Jem.And when I came back, I spent years trying to figure out how to make sense of everything, building this whole system until I finally understood how bad the world was, and how awful, and how meaningless, and how all these deluded people around me didn’t see it.And then I met you, and I did it again—I made a fool of myself, and I saw, once again, that I had no idea how the world worked.And because I’m an idiot, I thought I’d figured it out again.”
And I shot someone.He didn’t say that part.He couldn’t say it.Because it wasn’t even the whole truth.I killed someone.And I didn’t want to kill anything.The pain that came after was smothering, and it left only the childlike, half-formed thought: I never want to hurt anything again.
“That was my fault.”Jem’s voice was even, but his grip was crushingly tight around Tean’s hand.“I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.And I’m sorry, Tean.I’m never going to forgive myself for putting you in that position.”
“No.No, it’s not that—” Tean drew in a breath.“I’m not saying it right.”
“You’re saying something,” Jem said.“That’s all I care about.It doesn’t have to be perfect.I just want to know.We’ve spent the last year not talking.Not really.So just keep talking.”
Tean tried to gather his thoughts; they spun away, too sharp to handle.“It’s not just one thing.It’s not PTSD.It’s not guilt.It’s notjustthat, I guess.It’s a lot of things.”
“So, tell me.Anything.One of them.”
“I do feel guilty.I feel bad.Ashamed, I guess.Because of what I did.And it’s not your fault, Jem, so I don’t want you to blame yourself.If I had to, I’d do it again.But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling.I spent a long time feeling guilty for being gay.And I spent that time asking God to forgive me.To make me better.I don’t want to go back to that life.But there was something…simpler, I guess, about being able to ask someone else for forgiveness.Easier.Because how are you supposed to do that in a universe that doesn’t care what you do?”
The silence stretched until it felt like it might break.And then Jem said, “Okay.What else?”
“What else?The fact that this is it, Jem.This is what I knew the world was like—what IthoughtI knew the world was like.I knew the universe was this ridiculous, empty place where we flail around until we die, and nothing we do matters.I knew people were selfish and cruel and evil.And you know what?I was right.Look around you.Brennon preying on these underage boys.Kazen practically abandoned by his mom.Daniel hating himself so much he wanted to die.And someone out there—this man, Rydel, whoever he is—killing people because he can, and because he enjoys it.And there’s this part of me watching all of this that can’t—can’tbelieveit, Jem.I thought I knew.And somehow, it’s worse.It’s always worse.Every time.It just keeps getting worse.”His cheeks felt hot, and he pulled the seatbelt away from his neck.“Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I know how weird that all sounds.”
“You boner,” Jem said.“You’ve got an entire YouTube playlist of industrial accidents.Why would I think this was weird?”
Seconds ticked by loudly in Tean’s head.And then he said, “Did you just call me a boner?”
“Yeah.”The exasperation in Jem’s voice slipped into the beginning of a smile.“Because you’re being a huge boner.”
The laugh that escaped Tean startled him.And then Jem was laughing too.It wasn’t actually that funny, but for some reason, Tean couldn’t seem to stop laughing.The iron bands around his chest relaxed.The screws in his shoulders loosened.He slid down in his seat, laughing even harder, until he had to slide his glasses up so he could wipe his eyes.
When they both settled down, Tean was limp, muscles slack, as though he’d worked a long day of physical labor.He was surprised to find Jem’s hand on his shoulder; he didn’t know when Jem had done that.
“The world is a shitty place,” Jem said.“I’d be worried if itdidn’tupset you.”
Tean tried to think about that, but he was so tired.“I guess.”
Jem’s fingers moved in a gentle massage of Tean’s shoulder.“Do you know what I wish I could do?”
“Solve the mystery of the broken McFlurry machines?”