“Oh my God, it has to be a conspiracy.They can’tallbe broken.”But his voice shifted, firmed up, as he said, “I wish I could ask you.”
“Ask me what?”
“What to do about this.About all of it, Tean.What to do when someone feels helpless because the world is such a dumpster fire.What to do when someone feels bad for what they’ve done.What to do when someone feels like the deck is stacked against them.I’d ask you.”
“I’m definitely not the right person to ask.”
“You are.I know you don’t feel like you are, but you are.Come on, Tean.That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you.Not just because you’re cute and sexy and God, you giving me your serious look with those glasses is like my sexual kryptonite.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“Because you don’t give up.You lost everything you believed in, and you kept going.You weren’t afraid to try to understand the world, to understand yourself, even when it was scary, even when it meant that you weren’t special, and that nothing mattered, and that your life might not end up meaning anything.And you didn’t let it make you a bad person or a cruel person.It made you kinder.Gentler.More compassionate.It made you this amazing man I love so much.”Jem’s voice softened.His hand slid to cup Tean’s nape.“I know it’s hard.I know it hurts.I know what it feels like.I know part of it, anyway.And I know, when it’s that bad, all you want to do is hide so it can’t hurt you again.We all fall down, Tean.We all get lost sometimes.But you can come back.”The next words were thick.“Come back to yourself.Come back to me.Please.Come back.”
30
The note on the table had Hannah’s familiar handwriting—good handwriting, the letters clear and distinct.Scipio decided he wanted a sleepover.
A single lamp burned in the living room, and the rest of the house was dark.Quiet, too, at this hour, and without the click of Scipio’s nails on the hardwood, or the Lab’s excited breathing, or the conversation that the dog’s existence created, by necessity, between Jem and Tean.
Jem hadn’t really thought about that before.How long had they not been talking, but they hadn’t realized it because they’d filled the silence by talking about Scipio?The straights probably did the same thing with kids.
Tean was sliding out of his jacket, the movements ginger, and it wasn’t until he was free of it that Jem saw the mud stain on the back of Tean’s shirt.The fabric was stiff when he touched it, and dirt flaked away.
“What happened to you?”
“Remember how I, uh, assaulted that rancher?”
“Tried to knock his block off, I think you mean.Hold on, did that piece of shit put a hand on you?”
“Jem, I swung at him first.”
Which counted for jack shit in Jem’s opinion.Some of that must have made it onto his face, because Tean laughed and said, “He shoved me, and I fell.It’s not a big deal.”
But in the bedroom, when he tried to take the shirt off, he looked stiff, and he made a soft sound of discomfort.
“I’m going to murder him,” Jem said in the same tone he used to tell people about the satellite radio feature.He pushed Tean’s hands away, grabbed the shirt by the hem, and rolled it up and over Tean’s head.Tean made that sound again when Jem tugged the fabric over his shoulder, but then the shirt was free.In that same bright, helpful tone, Jem said, “I’m going to cut his balls off.”
Tean laughed as he resettled his glasses.Jem took the opportunity to start undoing Tean’s belt, then the button on his waistband.He kept the movements businesslike, but all the contact was the same: the backs of his fingers pressing into Tean’s flat stomach, the tickle of that soft, dark hair that led in a trail down from his belly button, knuckles bumping against one hip bone.
Sometimes, Tean was way too easy to read.
“Shower,” Jem said with a laugh as he yanked Tean’s khakis free.
Tean gave him a surprisingly disappointed look, but all he said was “You can go first if you want.”
“Yeah, I know what the inside of a cell feels like.Go.You probably want to claw your skin off.”
This time, the smile was a sad, curled-up one, but Tean kissed Jem’s cheek and headed into the bathroom in nothing but his briefs and socks.The water began to run, and then the sound changed to the spray of the shower.Jem threw Tean’s clothes in the hamper.Then he made his way around the house, just in case.Hannah had cleaned up all of Scipio’s toys.The trash didn’t need to be taken out.He checked the deadbolt, turned off the lamp, and stood there, for a moment, in the dark.Porch lights up and down the street were fixed in the front window like fireflies.
The shower cut off, and by the time Jem got to their bedroom, Tean was pulling on a fresh pair of briefs.He was so thin: bone and muscle under soft brown skin.The hollow of his shoulder filled with shadow when he bent to pull up the briefs.The stripe of hair down the center of his chest was fluffy from the towel.He had more of that thick hair around his dick and balls, where his skin lightened.The elastic waistband snapped into place.
“Aren’t you going to rinse off?”Tean asked.
Jem’s answer was a crooked smile.Tean laughed as he found an oversized sweatshirt in one of the drawers—one of Jem’s, an old Smith Fieldhouse one that was perfect for fall days.Or nights.
Jem reached for the sweatshirt.
“I can do it,” Tean said quietly.