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“This has happened before?” Joni surveyed the joint beneath the splinting.
“Before I was pregnant, once, and then since then… a few times,” Michelle said.
Derek had to clamp down on his lips with his teeth to stop himself from asking anything.
“Hmmm…” Joni nodded. “Unfortunately, because of the way this injury looks with the generalized swelling beneath it, and especially with the last stage of pregnancy too, I really need to make sure there’s not any other injuries or blood clots before I manipulate the joint and the leg. Pregnancy hormones can—”
“Okay.” Michelle hugged her arms to her chest and turned toward the bare wall as if suddenly self-conscious “Is the radiation from the X-ray…”
“The small amount of radiation from the X-rays won’t harm the baby at all. In this situation, the benefits outweigh the risks.” Joni’s firm, calm voice seemed to ease Derek’s fears as well. “Can I get you some Tylenol now while we wait?”
“I don’t need it. It’s not too bad as long as I don’t move. Ice would be good though.”
“Let me know if you change your mind. I’m going to do a quick physical exam now.”
“I’m good now, Derek.” Michelle had retreated back into the stoically in-control persona she used to pull on her pointe shoes. “You can go. I… I think it might be best if someone else was my nurse.” She didn’t look at him or say anything else.
“Okay.”
After asking another nurse to grab the ice, Derek headed back to the charge desk. He tried to read the patient board four times before he knew he couldn’t do this right now. He needed a minute. He asked someone to watch the desk and headed outside the large double doors at the far end of the unit.
A wall of sweltering humidity hit him as he walked out into the ambulance bay and sat on the alcove ground. The ambulance that had brought Michelle was gone, so the long concrete loading dock was empty. Distant cars drove past. Summer birds chirped. A breeze rustled the branches in the small cluster of trees shading the parking lot. The air smelled like diesel and freshly cut grass. The world was exactly the same as it had been half an hour ago.
He tried to do one of his meditation exercises. Anything to stave off this growing ache.
Ever since his dad died, Derek thought he needed to be everything for his sisters and his mom. He liked being the one who helped, not being the one who needed help, because he’d promised his dad he would handle it. Handle everything. He’d tried to fill that role with Olive, too, after Jake’s accident and death. Though in Olive’s case he’d been better. He’d encouraged her to find space to grieve.
But Michelle had been right. He hadn’t ever opened up himself to anyone new.
Was she right about why?
Was he so overbearing and arrogant that people didn’t feel like they could screw up around him?
Even Dylan had mentioned his fixing-it thing. Derek drew his knees to his chest. He pushed his weight onto the brick wall behind him.
“They said you came out here.” Joni sat next to him.
“Everyone heard everything, right?”
She winced. “Those doors are not very soundproof.”
“Shit.”
“She said… her fiancé’s outside, and that she’d prefer if you stayed away from her room. I think your sister’s really sad and angry about a lot of things right now.”
“Yeah, a lot of things and me. I don’t blame her.”
Joni put a hand on his knee. “You know a lot of that was misdirected anger, right? Probably some guilt and depression too. And excruciating physical pain. You did help her. You did try to make her life better. What she said about your dad—”
Derek stood. “I should go check on the other patients.”
“I think she was saying a lot of those things at you, but she was really saying them to herself.”
“I really wish that were true.”
As Derek finished his shift, he tried to ignore the nagging uncertainty plaguing him. Joni tried to make him feel better, but nothing she said could make this better. He’d failed Michelle before. Today had been a test, and he’d failed.
DYLAN