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“Daughter?” Derek blinked away tears.
“You wanted to fix everything so much that I didn’t even want to ask about him because you said talking about him made Mom sad. I was a first grader. I didn’t know how messed up things were. I threw my entire heart into ballet because you made me believe it would actually mean something if I kept pushing myself. My career with the company… it was all I had.” She sniffled.
He couldn’t even argue that. He still hadn’t grieved his dad. But had his intense desire to do what his dad had asked him backfired and meant his sisters hadn’t either?
The idea made him want to throw up.
“Ballet’s gone for me.” She snapped her fingers once and then her shoulder slumped. “I had nothing. And I was so pathetic you didn’t trust me to be an adult and make my own choices about the messes I made.”
“Just tell me what I can do. I’m sorry.” Something was shredding in Derek’s chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was a stupid teenager who’d made a promise. And I screwed it up back then. And I screwed it up when I paid off the cards.”
“I don’t need you to do anything. If I did, I would’ve asked. I just needed you to be my brother. I needed to be broken for a while. I needed you to be okay with me being broken. I just didn’t want you to look at me and only see something broken. But I just don’t know…”
“What don’t you know?”
“You don’t even understand what this is like.” She gestured to her knee again. “You’ve never loved anything like I loved being onstage.”
“What does that have to do—”
“I don’t even think you can love something like that. It would mean you’d have to actually take a risk.” She shook her head almost pityingly, twisting her slim fingers in her lap. “You’ve always had the same friends. Same life. You’re always drawn to the easiest thing.”
“Hey—”
“I knew you’d judge me being with Zach again like it was some kind of backslide. It’s why you never really found something like I found ballet. Never loved something like that.”
He blinked.
She dug her hand though her hair and clutched her scalp. “You haven’t even ever had a long-term boyfriend, and I didn’t want this pregnancy to be one more thing like that when I—I… can I just get some tissues?”
He yanked open the drawer beside her and handed her a box. She blew her nose.
“I love you, Michelle. And I’m sorr—”
Her head shake cut his apology short. “I want to love her like…” She ran a hand over her belly. “Like I loved ballet. I loved the blisters and sweat and blood because it also brought me the stage and the lights and the applause.” She smiled up at the overhead lamp as if even the memory of those performances made her feel something so intense, she couldn’t hold it all in.
Something like…
Stupid, lovesick, radiant joy.
That’s what glowed on her face. Even in the pain and grief when all she had left was a memory of it. That passionate love still glowed inside her.
“Michelle—”
“I don’t think you know how to love broken things.” She met his gaze for the first time since the tears began. “That boyfriend you left me that voicemail about—think he’ll live up to your standards?” A flash of regret passed over her face as she said it, but she didn’t take it back.
Derek couldn’t have felt more torn apart right now if he were the one on the stretcher. It was like she reached inside him and pulled out his true self and then made him see just how pathetic and small he was.
After a quick knock, Joni pulled back the curtain. “I’m so sorry for the delay, Ms. Chang. I’m Dr. Sutton. Are you okay with me talking in front of your bro—”
“Derek, can you stay?” Her anger seemed to have retreated beneath a breathless surge of fear that dislodged Derek’s heart.
“Yeah. Of course.”
“I consulted your new high-risk OB to discuss the best plan for your knee and pain management for now. I’ve put in some orders for medications approved in pregnancy.” Joni’s eyes flitted to his with enough sympathy that he was sure half the unit overheard the conversation. “We’re going to get some X-rays and an ultrasound taken before—”
“But last time they just put it back in? Can’t we just do that? I tried to do it myself at home like usual, but—”
An irrepressible strangled sound escaped Derek, but Joni’s understanding and silencing look kept him from saying anything else.