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Can’t wait for dinner. See you soon.
Derek weighed the phone in his hand. Just as he started to text back, he caught sight of his sister being wheeled out of the lobby in a wheelchair by a grown-up version of their neighborhood’s high school pot dealer toward an illegally and poorly parked Tesla.
Admittedly, Zach did look more like a banker than a stoner these days.
Maybe Michelle was right.
Maybe she was right about a lot of things.
He took a step forward toward the parking lot while Zach brought the chair back into the vestibule area in front of the waiting room.
“Dude, my baby’s tired and doesn’t want to talk to you right now.” Zach still had that affected surfer inflection.
Yeah, he hated this mofo.
“I’m just walking home.” Derek lifted his hands and sidestepped the guy, stifling the frustration and hurt in his voice. And failing. “But I love my sister. If she needs me, I’m there. I might have made big mistakes… b-but…” His voice broke. “I was missing him too. I was a kid too.”
He didn’t know what he wanted.
He didn’t know what he expected.
But he got exactly nothing.
The Tesla sped off, leaving Derek alone outside the hospital. He couldn’t fix this with her. He started to doubt whether he’d ever fixed anything. Or could ever fix anything. She never told him she’d been working with a debt consolidator. Just like she’d never told him about the credit card bills in the first place. She hadn’t wanted his judgment. And today, just like she predicted, Derek became the toxic overbearing brother who did what he thought was best without considering her feelings.
Instead of turning down the sidewalk leading to his apartment, he headed onto the winding path to Baker Park.
Chapter 45
Derek was lucky in so many ways. He didn’t experience dark depressive days like Olive. Or have panic attacks, except for that possible one when he thought Gus was lost. But he was prone to pushing his feelings down. It’s how he started working out. He lifted weights until the normal weight on his shoulders felt lighter. He pushed himself to do as much as possible even when all he had to do was ask for help and things might be a little easier.
Now it felt like everything was crumbling on top of him just like his ceiling had, making him rethink how he had been feeling even before seeing Michelle. Had he really been that happy? Was he destined to screw up his relationship because he expected people to be perfect or tried to fix them?
At sixteen, Derek learned to hold tight to the people he loved. Olive. His mom and sisters. And Jake. Now Jake was gone too. What was it about a new loss that made the old kind feel just as present? Michelle’s face when she talked about dance had been the strangest mix of grief and the memory of happiness. She’d said she’d thrown herself into dance because she wasn’t allowed to grieve for Dad.
Derek had fallen for Dylan.
Fallen hard.
He’d never felt this way before.
Was all of this just his own version of dance? Was it something that would give him broken toes and a busted knee and years of pain for the price of short-lived happiness?
Dad was taken.
Jake was gone.
Michelle hated him.
Maybe that was all that stupid, lovesick, radiant joy was.
Just another thing that could be taken away from him.
The idea of losing something else right now seemed like too big a risk.
When he reached the top of the stairs down to his apartment, his front door flew open. Dylan rushed out wearing those paint-splattered work jeans that rode low on his hips with an equally paint-splattered shirt. The way he adjusted his glasses made Derek’s heart hiccup in a way that was definitely not medically possible.
Something ached in Derek’s chest.