I didn’t take the easy way out when I ended things between us. Opiates and muscle relaxers dull my pain, but I haven’t had a pain-free day since Morgan left.
“Can I hold you?” he asks.
I can’t answer that without leading him on, but he doesn’t press me to answer. He takes what we both need and spoons me from behind, wrapping me in everything that’s familiar and comforting and home.
Morgan drifts into sleep not long after, lips still pressed to the back of my neck where he kissed me.
The peace of painlessness and his presence should have ushered me off to sleep with him, but I stay awake, lambasting myself for hurting him, for hurting Finn, for causing Seb’s death.
I don’t deserve peace. Pain is my penance. I can’t have this. I can’t have them.
TEN
Cole
At sea,I fall asleep before my eyes fully close, regardless of where I am. The entire crew is like that. We’re just too damn exhausted. Except for Morgan. His parents’ vagabond lifestyle meant he never felt safe while he slept.
I’m the only person he feels safe to sleep with. I never took for granted that he trusted me when he was most vulnerable. If I woke up before him, I always watched over him. Somehow, after everything I’ve put him through, he felt safe enough with me to fall asleep, to trust me not to hurt him.
And I left.
I left him sprawled out on his back, dark waves mussed against his pillowcase, thick lashes kissing beneath the forearm he draped over his forehead, exposing the feathery soft hair under his arms.
I tread lightly down the staircase and swipe a marker from the caddy on the kitchen table. The ticking clock on the wall is my only company as I write Finn a note on an empty coloring page. Even the robot riding a trike looks disappointed in me.
Hey, Finn
I put the marker down. Fuck. He’s probably going to wake upin a few hours and run downstairs like it’s Christmas morning and find nothing but this shitty note that ruined a perfectly good coloring page, and he can’t even read, so that means Morgan will have to read it to him.
It’s going to kill them both, but ending things now is better than waiting for the day Finn stops hero-worshipping me and realizes I’m the reason Seb’s not here. I have to let him go, and Morgan too.
Maybe I should move somewhere else. Alaska? He and the guys can fly up and meet me in Dutch Harbor. Then no one can guilt-trip me into ruining another of Finn’s birthdays, or twisting the knife in Morgan’s heart.
I had the best time celebrating you yesterday. I wish I could spend more time here, but I have to get back on the ocean.
I’m so sorry to let you down.
You are the coolest kid in the entire world. I love you so much! Never doubt that.
Keep playing catch with Uncle Mor. Hug him every day for me.
I miss you already.
Love, Uncle Cole
I cap the marker and bury my face in my hands. I need to get out of here, out of this house full of Seb, out of this life I don’t belong in. I need to stop hurting everyone. I need to just... stop.
Fog softens the sound of the front door snicking shut, but my footsteps echo jarringly. I step into a puddle, and the squelch sounds like a yell. I only make it a few houses down before a door opens and Morgan lopes toward me in nothing more than sweatpants.
“Where are yougoing?”
“Figured I’d walk to the bus stop.”
“The hell you are.” He snags my arm. “You can’t go. Finn?—”
“Finn is better off without me.”
“That’s not true.”