From the beginning, I’d known pursuing Tucker would be an uphill battle, and I’d likely fall somewhere along the way, but not once had I expected him to push me down. His words had been more painful than any wound I’d ever endured before, and they cut deeper than any knife could have ever reached. If it’d been anyone else, at any other time, saying what he’d said to me, those words would have been water sliding off my back. But it’d been Tucker, and that made it hurt worse.
“Can we talk? I hated how we ended things earlier.”
“Howweended things?” I scoffed, shaking my head a little. “I think you said everything you needed to say, and I heard you loud and clear.”
“I know what I said was shitty?—”
“Which part, Tucker?” I cut him off as I whirled on him. “The part where you said I’ve pushed you to pick me over Raleigh when we both know damn well I’ve never once asked that of you? Or was it the part where you told me you wouldn’t pick me if forced to make a choice?”
Tucker sucked in breath, jutting out his chin in response to my words, but nodded his head. “All of it.”
I rolled my eyes, not mollified by his immediate answer, and looked back into the stall. “Glad you can at least admit it.”
“Jackson.” Tucker’s voice was mournful as he said my name andthe words that came after it. “I didn’t mean what I said. I’d never had a dream like that of Raleigh before, and it scared me. It felt like I was losing him all over again, and I know that doesn’t excuse what I said. I took that fear and anger out on you when all you were trying to do was help me, and I’m sorry for it.”
Maybe I was a sucker, or maybe it was the sincerity in his voice as he spoke, but all the anger and frustration that had ballooned up inside me deflated in an instant at his words. What was left was a profound sadness—not just from how he’d treated me, but for the both of us. For Tucker, especially.
“You know,” I started as I watched the rowdy filly nip at her mother, trying to encourage her into more playtime before bed. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading on grief. At first, it was just so I could better support you when hard times like anniversaries or birthdays rolled around, but after last night…” I trailed off for a moment, not sure how to explain why I’d gone looking for answers in the articles and sub-threads meant for those mourning the loss of someone close to them. When I couldn’t find the words, I cleared my throat before continuing.
“Anyway, I came across something that said grief is like a ball inside a box. When you first experience grief, the ball takes up the whole box and every little jostle of it reminds you of your loss, and it hurts. But slowly, the ball begins to shrink while the box begins to grow until one day the ball is this little thing inside a large box. It’s still there because it won’t ever go away, but it’s able to roll around inside the box without being so painful. Sometimes, though, the ball will hit the side of the box, and it’ll hurt and remind you of that loss all over again.”
I took a breath to look over at Tucker whose eyes were wet as he stared at me.
“It’ss supposed to be this reminder that grief isn’t always linear, and just because you feel it after you’ve done so well at moving forward, it doesn’t mean you’re losing progress or being set back,” I explained as his throat clicked with an audible swallow. “And it mademe think that maybe your ball hasn’t shrunk at all in the three years since Raleigh has passed.”
“I don’t think it has,” he croaked. “But I don’t know how to make it get any smaller either.”
“The box is supposed to represent your life, and it’s supposed to grow with all the new experiences and things you do after your loss. I think your box has grown, Tucker, but the ball is growing with it, not shrinking. And I think you’re the one stretching it.” The last part was a whisper, unsure of how he’d respond to my words, but he just let out a broken sound as his hand rose to his ring.
“I’m scared that letting go of the hurt and sadness I have means he’s gone entirely.” His voice was watery, and it tore at my heart to see him like this.
“I know,” I responded honestly. “But this is what I meant when I told you that you had to pick either staying in your past or moving into your future. That doesn’t mean forgetting Raleigh. It doesn’t mean his memory can’t hold a special place in your heart.”
Tucker nodded, dashing away at some stray tears that were beginning to slide down his cheeks. I took in a shuddering breath as I tried to steel myself against the answer I might get to my next question.
“Do you want to be with me, Tucker?”
Whiskey-colored eyes met mine, and even though they were red-rimmed and full of so much hurt, they were still so fucking beautiful.
“Yes, I do.”
There wasn’t any hesitation. Just a strong conviction in his words that made my heart flutter in my chest. I held my hand out to him, and he let out a choked sound as he closed the distance to take it. With him this close, it was hard for me not to pull him into my arms and bury my face into his neck, but I resisted against the urge.
Instead, I lifted my other hand to his face, rubbing my thumb over the coarse stubble that was forming his five o’clock shadow. Tucker squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his face into my touch, and I waited until his eyes were back on mine before I spoke again.
“I’m in love with you, Tucker Legare.” He sucked in a breath ashis eyes blew wide, but I continued, not wanting him to respond just yet. “And I say this because I need you to know that if you sincerely want to try building a life together with me, then I will do my best to support you through all the ups and downs we may face. I just have one request.”
I felt him stiffen under my fingers, and while I could guess some of the things going through his head, I didn’t want to leave him to stew. “You need to get help. I can only do so much, and while everyone else on the farm wants to support you too, none of us are equipped to give you the help you really need. It’s not going to be easy, and you need someone whose expertise is supporting people through their grief.”
It took him a moment, a long one where my heart felt like it might beat right out my chest as I waited, but then he nodded slowly. “I love you, too, and if going to therapy is what’s going to keep you here with me, then I’ll do it.”
Even as everything inside me softened to mush at his declaration, I shook my head. “No, Tucker. This needs to be for you, not for me. That’s why it’s a request, not a demand.”
His eyes bounced between mine before he spoke, the sound only audible because I was so close to him. “I don’t think I can do it for me. I think it has to be for you.”
I sucked in a slow breath, letting it out through my nose as I tried to process the surge of emotions brought on from what he’d said. “I don’t want you to resent me if things get hard, Tucker. I’m not asking this of you to try and punish you. I genuinely want you to be happy and look forward to the life you can have.”
Those amber eyes of his trailed over to Goldie and her mom, both resting comfortably after settling down, and the tip of his tongue came out to run along his lower lip. “I think I need to do it for you to get me there, but I think once I’m doing it, it’ll become for me.” When he glanced back at me, the look on his face was one I’d never seen before. Like determination laced with resignation. “I know it’s time…”