There was a beat where all I could hear was the whoosh of the blood in my ears and the ragged sounds of my attempts to breathe between my full body sobs. But then his voice came again, low and maybe just as broken as I felt, “I know, baby.”
“You don’t!” I snapped, glaring up at Jackson. “He was here! I felt him! I heard him! He was here with me, and…” My throat burned as a fresh wave of emotion slammed into me at the words still floating in my head.
But Ihave to go now. You’ve got to let me go.
Jackson stared back at me like I was some wounded animal, and in a way, I felt like I was. This wasn’t some particularly nasty Nighttime torture session—no, this had been different. This feltreal. I could still feel the warmth of his body wrapped around mine and the hardened callouses on his fingers as they brushed over my cheek. My nostrils were full of that fucking cologne he always wore from when I’d buried my face into his chest.
But if he’d been here, what did that mean for the words he said? Were they real?
You’ll figure it out. I know you will because you have to, Tucker.
Why did I have to figure it out? I’d made it this far only because I’d clung to all the whispers of him in the wind. I grabbed at every part of him I could get despite knowing they were vapors of smoke I’d never really get my hands on, but they’d sustained me! How could I give up something that felt as vital as the blood pumping through my veins or the very air I breathed?
“Baby, I know what you think… But Raleigh’s gone. It was just a dream.” Jackson’s voice broke through my thoughts, bringing in rage that seared through my system like molten lava.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a fucking child,” I sneered. “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. You want to knowwhyI struggle so much with insomnia, Jackson? Because I dream of Raleigh, all the goddamn time. For the last three fucking years, I’ve put my head on this pillow and been forced to experience what my life could have been like if he hadn’t died. And those are just the good dreams! Sometimes I get thrown back into these happy memories before the crash, but Iknowdeep in my bones something bad is going to happen, and I can’t change it.”
Jackson blinked at me, obviously taken aback by my outrage, but I barreled on, not willing to give him a moment to cut in.
“I’ve had nights where my dreams are nothing but a reel of what his last moments must have been like, and I’ve woken up screaminghis name, so donotfor one second think I can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality. Ifelthim. He was here.”
Jackson sucked in a slow breath through his nose, running a hand over his jaw as he tried to process what I was saying. “Okay… What did he want, then?”
“For me to let him go so I could be with you.” Venom laced my words, the anger of being expected to lose my husband all over again a rolling boil in my gut.
“I—” Green-brown eyes danced between mine. “I don’t understand.”
“You think it’s a fucking coincidence the night you sleep in his bed, he shows up to tell me to let him go?”
“Hold up…” Jackson raised both hands placatingly. “What are you getting pissed at me for? Isn’t this a good thing? If this really was Raleigh, isn’t that him giving you his blessing?”
“No!” I roared, moving from the bed to get more distance from the man who couldn’t even understand how much his presence had changed things. “I can’t let him go, Jackson! I’ve told you this. But it’s like ever since you showed up on this farm, all you’ve done is fuck things up. You’ve opened wounds I was never ready to revisit, and you pushed me to pick you when I was never ready to choose. Well, now I’m being forced to make a choice between you two, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I’d choose you.”
Jackson reared back like I’d slapped him, and the hurt marring his face made my ribs feel like they were cracking wide open. I knew I wasn’t being rational. Adrenaline still coursed through my body like a raging bull, but I couldn’t take back the words that had already spilled from my mouth. I watched in real time as the shutters went down over Jackson’s heart, and if I’d been in a better frame of mind, I’d have been terrified of the blank look he gave me.
But I wasn’t. I was seething from the injustice of losing my husband so early and the hurt of what felt like losing him all over again, and all I wanted was for the world to burn right along with me.
Without another word, Jackson slipped from the bed, gatheringup the clothes he’d shed when we came in earlier to sleep. I watched him step into his jeans and throw on his shirt before picking up his boots and hat, the tension sitting heavy in the otherwise still room. My breaths still sawed out of me in rapid succession, my broken heart throwing itself against my fractured ribs over and over.
Just before he walked out the room, he turned back to me, his features stoney but an anger burned in his eyes I’d never seen before. “Just for the record, Tucker. I’d never ask you to choose. I’ve been fine coming second to Raleigh up until now, but I’m not going to compete with a ghost. One of these days, you’re going to have to figure out if you want to stay in your past or start living for your future because you can’t do both.”
And then he left, the slam of the back door behind him a few minutes later sounding like the sudden boom of thunder overhead.
CHAPTER THIRTY
JACKSON
Deep orange rays filtered down the hall of the barn as the sun began its slow slide toward the edge of the horizon. Inside her stall with her momma, Goldie was happily nursing away after a long day of playing out in the pastures with her friends and learning the ropes from others in her herd.
Resting my chin on my crossed arms, I watched the mother–daughter pair from the window of their stall door and let out a slow sigh through my nose. Goldie’s soft blonde coat shone in the light, making her creamy mane and markings stand out, and I wondered if she knew the weight of the name she carried. Maybe I’d fucked up in giving her such a symbolic one. Maybe it was too much pressure.
Footsteps came from the front of the barn, which could have been from anyone, but I already knew who it was before he even rounded the corner. Tucker’s whiskey-colored eyes locked with mine the moment I looked at him, and just seeing him made a fresh wave of hurt wash over me. It’d been several hours since what happened in his bedroom, and while I wasn’t as distressed as I was then, my feelings still sat close to the surface.
Swallowing hard to keep myself in check, I looked back into thestall, hoping the sight of a sweet golden filly would ease the burning inside my soul as Tucker continued toward me.
“I thought I might find you here.” His rough drawl made my heart squeeze.
“Well, you found me,” I muttered, not wanting to look at him when he stopped beside me. His proximity alone was making everything in me ache, but at the same time he was the one place I wanted to run to for comfort. I wanted to bury my face in his neck and let him tell me it would all be okay. Except I wasn’t sure I’d believe it right now. The combination of it all was exhausting, and I’d never been so close to giving up as I was right now.