“You know, from anyone else, I’d say you were being cocky about how important you are,” he said, squinting at me. “But you’re not. It’s like…like last night, when you made that call. No ego, just…telling it how it is.”
“There is plenty of room in my life for joking, being a smartass, hell, even being a cocky asshole, just ask me about my head game and I’ll brag.” He stared at me, snorted, and I winkedat him. “But there are places in my life where I can’t be any of those things, and that’s when you know I’m being serious. I don’t want to be cold, but?—”
“You aren’t,” he said with a miserable shrug. “I saw how you were with Sarah. You’re a funny guy.”
“Mmm, don’t tell Xander, he might kill you,” I said with a laugh.
“Aww, Big Boss doesn’t have a sense of humor. Don’t worry about him,” Carter said with a wave of his hand. I did my best not to let him notice the nickname was a bit of a trigger because I could remember clearly the feel of Xanderthrobbingwhen I’d called him that. “But I just meant…like last night. You were so steady and sure when you gave the order, you were ready to rip our heads off when we were too quick and almost hurt her, you were cool with Reno, and you were…you weren’t cold with that Sarah girl, you were kind and steady for her. You did what we needed you to do.”
“You make it sound more impressive than it felt,” I said.
“My point is…you were right, and I was an asshole,” he said, staring at his coffee with a frown. “I’m still kind of pissed at you, and I don’t think I’m ever going to like seeing someone make such…cold decisions, but I know you were right.”
“I can live with that, on a personal level,” I said, leaning down to catch his eyes. I waited until he looked up. “But for us, this team, what we do? I need to know that last night won’t happen again. If you don’t like something I say, make sure you’ve got more going for you than emotions, and when you don’t like my decisions, don’t take it out on me the way you did. Yell if you want, bellow and bitch, then sit the fuck down with me and we'll talk about it. But never like last night.”
The corner of his lips twitched. “You’re like a more patient version of Big Boss. You might even be a bigger asshole.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I told him with a smirk. “I don’t think it is one, but I’ll take it anyway.”
“I’m…not sure if it is,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “Just popped into my head.”
“And out of your mouth,” I snorted.
“Yeah, I do that,” he said with a nervous chuckle. The sort of chuckle that rolled out when you talked about something that probably wasn’t a good thing, but you accepted it as a fact of life. “And, uh…also about last night.”
I bit back the urge to tell him to leave it alone. “What about it?”
“When I was a kid, I took off on my sister who was supposed to be watching me. It was a stupid thing to do and it, uh…” he cleared his throat twice roughly. “She died because of it. I was found the next day, but she, well?—”
I nodded. “I get it.”
“Do you?” It wasn’t doubt that prompted the question; I could sense he genuinely wanted to know if I understood.
“Not a sibling; my mother died when I was younger. I had a close friend get hit by a truck when I was ten. And…I lost a few Marines in my time too,” I said with a shrug, as a familiar leaden weight settled in my chest. “I know what it’s like to still hurt over something that happened a long time ago. And I know what it’s like to feel guilty and full of regret years later…even when it perhaps wasn’t my fault.”
Carter stared at me for a moment before nodding. “Right, well…I just wanted you to know. It’s…when they saved me, they were… they were a lot like you were with Sarah last night. They held my hand the whole way to safety, like you did. They were kind and gentle, and they tried their best…just like you did. But I?—”
“You saw Ellie and Sarah, and you thought of your sister.”
“I know, I mean, I did. And it’s stupid.”
“It’s human.”
Carter’s mouth twisted. “Maybe. But I can’t be that type of human if I’m going to do this kind of work. I’m going to get someone killed if I act like that every time something goes wrong.”
“Was last night the first time you had to deal with someone dying instead of being rescued?” I asked gently.
His eyes told me before his mouth opened. “Yes.”
I nodded. “Then last night makes even more sense.”
“I fucked up.”
“And no one got hurt because of it, the perfect way to fuck up and learn from it.”
“I punched you.”
“Eh, and Jake decked you twice in return.”