“Only one who’s been here long enough to know I was married before I stopped wearing my ring was Maverick; the others have only been around a couple of years.”
“Well, I don’t make it my business to tell other people someone else’s business, especially a minefield like this. I will remind you, though, this definitely isn’t going to help your stress, so I need to emphasize that you should find ways to relax.”
“There ain’t a whole lot of that around here,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest tightly. “Thanks for the medical advice.”
“That was professional advice…but personal too,” he said with a shrug. “I can’t say I’m all that good for your stress levels. But maybe, when you stop looking at me as if you’re waiting for me to whip my dick out and start jerking off again, I might be able to help.”
“I don’t…” I began and then stopped. It wasn’t exactly what I thought about him, but whenever I looked at him, I felt that memory poking around in my head. “It’s fine. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Heh,” he said as he walked into the storage room with the tablet and reappeared a moment later without it, closing the door behind him. “You can’t tell someone whose entire career has, in some way, centered on people’s wellbeing and not expect them to worry.”
“Well, don’t.”
“Look,” he began, no humor or playfulness in his voice. “I understand you don’t like people, that my attitude irritates you, and our first introduction was not the way either of us would have picked. But the fact of the matter is, I know how to operate solo, partnered, and as a team. I get that as team leader, you need to rely on your reputation and a certain distance between you and the rest of the team. I get that. I’ve seen it done plenty of times. But while it’s your job to keep everyone in line and safe, it’smyjob to make sure everyone stays healthy and taken care of, and that includes you. Especially you, actually.”
“I’ll take the fucking meds already,” I groaned. “Save me the speech.”
“It’s not a speech; it’s pointing a few things out and hoping you pull your head out of your ass long enough to understand,” he said, and when my eyes snapped to him, he smirked. “Team leaders take on a lot, and it’s a lonely position, and they havethis nasty habit of making it even lonelier. And you can’t lead the team if you’re overwhelmed because you’re too stubborn to take the help that’s offered. I understand that takes trust you hate to give out, and time, but I’m being upfront about expectations here. Whatever I say, think, or do when it comes to looking out for all of you will stay between me and that person, and that’s true of you. No one is gonna know a goddamn thing we’ve talked about today. Just keep what I said in mind and at leasttrynot to dismiss it because you despise me on reflex.”
“I…” There was nothing to say because I wasn’t going to tell the jackass that I didn’t despise him; I didn’t despise any of them. They all got on my nerves, and sometimes I wondered if I wouldn’t do better living in the middle of nowhere for the rest of my life. That didn’t mean I hated them; they were all idiots, but they were good, capable men, and I trusted my life and the lives of others in their hands. “Sure, fine, whatever. I’ll give it some thought.”
Colin eyed me, and I realized the yellow hazel of his eyes had little flecks of gray, like flecks of steel lying in sunlight. That thought was even more uncomfortable than remembering what his dick looked like hard and ready, and even beat the suggestive sight of him on his knees between my legs.
Jesus, I was not going to think about him giving blowjobs right after remembering what his naked body looked like…and then for reasons that were just as elusive but becoming more unnerving; I was remembering his joke about my bulge.
“You got anyone?” I blurted out without thinking. Technically, I knew the answer, but hell, it could have changed since I’d last gotten info on the guy. I didn’t know why I asked that question, but here we were.
“No,” he said with a laugh and a shake of his head. “My last few relationships didn’t work out because of the work I was doing; the long, erratic hours weren’t great for dating. I figure Ieither need to find someone who has the hectic schedule I do so they understand, or wait until I settle into something calmer.”
“Is that why you were beating off in our showers?” I asked him dryly. “Dry spell?”
“Oh, I mean, I know you’re probably not an expert, but I’m good-looking enough and can be charming to people who aren’t misanthropic… enough to get laid,” he said with a snort. “I was just, uh…well, it was a busy few days before I got here.”
“Days. You were so desperate to get off after a few days that you did that?”
“Man, it is not my fault I have a high sex drive that occasionally surges into overdrive, alright?”
“I love all the sharing we’re doing; it makes me feel all warm and tingly.”
“Well, consider this a warning. Don’t touch topics that might induce me to over-share, because I probably will.”
“Clearly,” I said, and then, despite hating that it would sound bad, I had to address the topic. “After your comment about Jake, which I agreed with, and Mika…you should know it’s not technically wrong for you to be…involved with anyone here. But you know, be smart about it. Drama of that sort is a quick way to get your ass launched out of this outpost and put somewhere else.”
He watched me for a moment before chuckling. “You have this conversation with Mika too?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, I was originally going to say, at an all-male outpost, save for Cait, obviously, you probably never had to worry about having the ‘watch where you stick your dick’ conversation with someone while you were in charge. Maybe there was someone else before Mika, but?—”
“Oh.”
He eyed me, then snorted. “So, you didn’t have that conversation with him.”
I could only stare. If I lied, he could tell, and somehow being caught in a lie was worse than being caught by the truth.
“Hmm,” he hummed thoughtfully. “So, did you have that conversation with me because you didn’t trust me to behave?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t trust you,” I shot back instantly, surprised to find that was the truth.