I try to catch her gaze, but her eyes still avoid mine. Nerves clog my throat. ‘Everything okay, Blue?’
Slowly, Honey drags her eyes up to meet mine, enlightening me to the tears welling. Melancholy swarms them, ready to drag me under. My body goes slack, sinking into the leather, as if it already knows there’s no point in fighting whatever she’s about to say.
Because I know that look.
It’s the same one my mom gave me the first time Dad hurtme—when she knew she couldn’t find the strength to look after me anymore. To love me anymore.
Honey’s words tremble out softly, but each one hits me like a tonne of bricks. ‘Sawyer, I don’t think we should do this anymore.’
The world goes silent.
I stare into her eyes as the last year plays out around me, every single memory anchored in those baby blues. The very eyes that have brought me solace every time I thought I couldn’t bear the weight of the world anymore. Even on the back of the bulls I’ve been riding, it’s those eyes I think of to give me the strength to keep holding on.
Those same eyes I gazed into as we shared the final parts of our souls with each other …
I’m not sure how long I’ve been staring at her, but tears spill down her cheeks, faint rivulets staining her rosy skin.
I swallow down my dread. ‘What … Wh-why?’
Her breath shudders out, the only sound in the truck cab her gentle crying. I want to reach out and touch her, but the cold hands of fear render me motionless. Her bottom lip wobbles as she sobs out, ‘I … I don’t think this is supposed to work.’
‘Is this because of your dad? Did he find out?’ Panic spikes through me. The need to protect her blaring in my mind. Has he threatened her? Hurt her because of me? Stupid, reckless, arrogant Sawyer Nash.
‘No,’ she immediately confirms, but somehow it makes my stomach twist even more. ‘I just think we’re making a mistake. All year you’ve been telling me about your dreams to ride off with the travelling rodeo and now suddenly you’re folding your dreams into mine, talking aboutfinding a stable job in North Carolina and competing at the weekends when you can.’
‘But that’s what I want to do, Blue.’
I might not share the same faith Honey does, but if there was ever an argument for heaven existing, it’sher—her pure soul, her divine kindness, her angelic beauty. It’s hard to believe she wasn’t brought into my life for no reason, so I can’t let her go that easily.
‘No, it’s what you think you want, but you don’t. Because neither of us have ever had the opportunity to be selfish.’
She chews her lip, eyes wide and pleading as she drags them from me and stares at the windshield—seeking out that future she’s always gazing at through the library window, perhaps. Slowly, I watch her shoulders straighten. I listen to her breathing calm. I feel her grow more distant. The centre console of my truck suddenly miles wide.
‘We’re so used to caving to others’ demands, but now is the time to do something for ourselves. Don’t you think we deserve that? To go off to college and the rodeos, to meet new people, to travel and try new things?’
I don’t want to be anywhere else but with her.
It’s like I’m trapped in a glass box, yelling at her that she can trust me to take care of her, but she can’t hear me. I need her to know that I’ll be there for her. That she’ll be safe in my arms.
‘But—’
‘Sawyer,’ she sighs out my name. Another wobbly smile appears. ‘We’re just kids—we’ve got alotof growing up to do, and I think we’d be better doing that on our own.’
That hits me harder than I expect.
I can’t help but think that she’s only talking about one of us when she sayswe.
‘And—’ she pauses to compose herself, a shaky breath filtering from her lips. Her face twitches until it settles into a polite, barely there smile. The same expression she gives everyone else. My gut twists at the sight of a face Honey hasn’t shown me in months. ‘This isn’t how it was supposed to be.Us. I see that now. This—it’s a sign. There’s a reason we never spoke before this year.’
A sign? I don’t know what she’s talking about.
A high-pitched ringing fills my ears as I realise I’ve been fighting a losing battle. She’d won before we even got in the truck.
She wants to follow her dreams without me holding her back.
She wants to be with someone who is grown up and knows how to handle life.
And none of that includes me.