Marge groaned. “I nearly had a heart attack when I saw it. What if it had bitten my derriere while I was trying to go to the bathroom?”
Jack and I looked at each other. His lips were pressed together and his cheeks were flushed pink, probably from trying not to laugh.
“OK, so here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to open the lid and grab the iguana. We need a container to put it in. I’m sorry, but you caught us when we were out, and I wasn’t fully prepared for this. I thought it was just a small lizard and I don’t have my truck.”
Wayne grunted as he climbed to his feet. “I have one of those large plastic containers.”
“Perfect.”
He wandered off, and Jack, Marge, and I made small talk as the splashing noise continued. We all stared at the toilet in horror.
“Wayne, hurry up,” Marge hollered. “We don’t want it to swim back down the pipes.”
“I think you’d have to call a plumber in that case,” Jack offered.
The woman swore under her breath and stalked out, her muumuu fluttering behind her.
“Bet you don’t have days like this as a university professor,” I said to Jack.
Wayne and Marge returned with a large plastic container with a lid. I instructed the couple to stay in the bedroom and close the bathroom door.
“In case it slips out of my hand. We don’t want it running around.”
“And to think I used to be worried about moose back in Portland,” Marge grumbled, shutting the door.
I pushed the plastic bin so it sat flush with the toilet. “On the count of three, I’m going to open the lid and reach in. It might thrash around, so the minute I set it in the container, put the lid on.”
“Got it.”
“One. Two. Three.”
I opened the lid and, in one swift motion, stuck my hand into the toilet bowl. I gripped the scaly green creature’s upper body and lifted it out of the bowl. Water dripped everywhere and its tail whipped at my bare arm.
I nestled it into the bin and Jack quickly closed the lid.
“Should we be worried it will suffocate?” he asked.
I wanted to hug him for that question. Men who thought about the welfare of animals were the hottest men of all. My ex hadn’t been all that keen on animals, other than mallard ducks. He’d liked those, for some reason.
“It should be okay for a little while. Let’s wash up and get out of here. When we’re in the car I’ll hold the bin and crack the lid so it gets air on the way home.”
Jack nodded and opened the door.
“We got it,” I called out.
Marge stood watching us, hands on hips, as we washed up in the sink. I couldn’t help but notice our reflection in the wide bathroom mirror. I was much shorter than Jack, but we seemed to make a cute pair. I stopped myself from smiling. This fantasy of us as a couple really needed to end. So did our casual dry humping.
“What do we owe you?” Wayne poked his head in.
I shook my head. “This one’s on the house.”
After we reassured them that they probably would never encounter an iguana indoors again and that they were free to use the toilet, we left, with Jack carrying the container.
In the car, Jack set the container on my lap. “Where are we going to let it go?”
I cracked one edge about an inch. The creature was huddled in a corner of the container, probably scared. Poor little thing.
From the driver’s side, Jack started the car.