The color deepens. She smooths the fabric of her dress. “I’m not sure.”
I lean over and grasp her knee, not hard, but with intention. “A woman I am involved with doesn’t get to evade. A submissive has no choice but to answer the question.That’sthe difference.”
“I see.” Her hand flutters to her chest, before falling to the arm of the chair, then ultimately to her lap.
I figure that’s enough explanation. I release my hold. “I should go.”
She doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, only stares down at her long skirt.
The most inappropriate desire to rip off her concealing clothes and expose her settles in my gut. I ignore it, like I ignore all my instincts to strip her down—both physically and mentally.
Christ, what a mess. I rise from the couch. “I’m sorry. This is my fault. My responsibility. As much as I need this, I need you just as badly. If there was any way to let it go instead of you, I would. But I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve been failing miserably.”
Still she remains silent.
Jaw clenched, I fight the desire to demand she tell me everything going on in that brain of hers. But that’s not in the cards, and my time here is done. I lean down, running my fingers through the silky strands of her hair once more before placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “Take care of yourself. You will be missed.”
I straighten, turning toward the door to let myself out.
“Wait.” The word is sharp.
I glance over my shoulder.
Her pink tongue darts out to wet her bottom lip. She twists her hands. “I want to try.”
My chest squeezes. Of course she’d say that. It’s part of what I love about her.
I swing around and sit on the couch again, grasping her nervous fingers in mine. “Anna, this isn’t like trying a meal at a restaurant.”
She pulls away. “I know that.”
She really doesn’t. She can’t possibly. “The things I want, they’re not easy. You have to want it too, not do it out of fear or obligation.”
Eyes clouded with a mess of emotions meet mine. “It’s not obligation. That kiss…it did something to me.”
More than anything in this world, I want to believe that. To rush in and agree to give it a try, but I can’t. It’s irresponsible, and I’ve already caused enough damage. I smile a gentle, understanding smile. “That was just a kiss—innocent compared to the things I want to explore with you.”
“Please.” Her trembling voice calls to something deep inside me. “Can’t we at least try? Aren't we worth it? We have so much in common. We’re great together, and we’re already in love. Isn’t that worth a night?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. Since I met her, I’ve avoided all things related to dominance and submission. It’s been so long I’ve almost forgotten—almost, but not quite. Part of my responsibility, my duty is brutal honesty, both with myself and my partner.
And I’m not being honest.
I’m afraid—afraid to know, afraid to hope, afraid to risk it and ruin her perception of me forever.
It’s all my ego. And that’s not a good enough reason. From this moment on, I am going to give her my honest reactions. She deserves at least that much. So I’m going to deal with her as I’ve been wanting to since I met her, instead of creating this unrealistic façade. She might throw me out in five minutes, but at least in these last moments, I will be real.
I meet her gaze. “I want to say yes. I want to jump and agree. But I don’t trust myself with you. I’ve been fighting my desire for so long, my normally keen instincts are all jumbled up, and I don’t know what’s right.”
“It’s my decision to make. And I want to try.” Her voice is stronger now.
“Kinda,” I sigh. “At least at first.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know what that means.”
I chuckle, tucking a wayward curl behind her ear. “Rule number one: it’s my decision. Not yours.”
A flash of irritation crosses over her expression. “I get no say?”