“I amnotscared of you.” I hold both his hands in mine. “It sounds like a fairy tale and I don’t get to have those. I don’t get a knight to sweep me off into the sunset and take care of me. That’s not real life. I’m not scared of you, but I am scared of wanting this and then losing it.”
Carnage nods, exhaling slowly. “Because of my job?”
“No. Because of…” I shrug, frustrated with trying to find the right words. “All I’ve ever done is lose people I care about and make really bad decisions. That’s my legacy so far. If I let myself want this and then you get tired of me or we don’t have enough in common to keep things going…” I exhale, trying to keep the emotions at bay. “It might break an already cracked heart.”
“What’s your plan, then? Never try? Never let yourself hope? Be alone the rest of your life or close yourself off? ’Cause I can tell you what that’s like, and if you think a broken heart hurts, you’ve never experienced an empty one.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know how to admit that I want to stay so badly I can taste it and I want him to keep me, but how do I fit into his world? How do I build a life for myself? How do I let myself trust my heart?
“You haven’t been in a long-term relationship before, right?” I ask.
Carnage shakes his head. “No. I never wanted one until now.” He adjusts so our knees are touching as we sit up. “I might suck at this, but I’ll try. I’ll do my best to make you happy. I don’t know a damn thing about romantic love, but I know a lot about loyalty and protection. I know enough about myself to know that this is different for me. You’re not just some guy I’m fucking. You mean something to me.”
My chest is tight with the emotions I’m holding back. I want to want this.
“What would you do right now, how would you feel, if you didn’t have to think about your past? If you could just live in this moment with me, what would you say?”
I sit with that question for a few silent moments, and as I look at the handsome man before me, my eyes well with tears. I know the answer, I just have to be brave enough to say it out loud.
“I’d say… um…” I take a deep breath then exhale slowly, pushing through the insecurity. “I’d say I want to stay. I want you to keep me. I want… I want you.”
A slow smile pulls at his lips. “I can work with that.”
“Okay.” I feel a little giddy, a little hopeful for once. Have I finally made a good decision, or am I gonna regret this one too?
“You can keep the other room for now,” Carnage says, his tone softer than normal. “I’d love it if you slept here with me, but you need your space too, I think. That’s the right approach, right?”
I can’t fight back the smile. “You’re unreal.”
“What? Was that wrong?”
“No, it’s nice. It’s thoughtful. Thank you.”
“And whatever you want to do, I’ll support you. If you want to get a job or go to school or just hang out here all day. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”
“Oh, um… I’ll think about that.”
“I’ll find Leon, and when I do I’m gonna tear him apart, and just before he dies I’m gonna thank him for being a piece of shit because he led you to me.”
“That’s so weirdly romantic.”
“That’s me. Weirdly romantic. If you like traditional romance, I’ll probably suck at that.”
“I want you to be you. We’ll figure out how to be us.” I squeeze his hand. “Are we really doing this?”
Carnage nods. “We sure are, precious.”
He leans in and kisses me and all my nerves and chaotic start to thoughts settle. I can have something good in my life. I can be loved. I’m worth that, I think.
We fall back on the bed and cuddle together. Carnage strokes my hair while I let my fingers dance across his chest.
“Tell me something I don’t know yet. A secret or a wish.”
Carnage chuckles. “Hmm. Let’s see.”
We lie quietly for a couple of minutes and then Carnage shifts slightly. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. I know that sounds dumb—like, a lot of kids say that—but I meant it. I read space books and watched everything about space and NASA and rockets. I was obsessed.”
“Space is cool. I get it.”