"I followed four guys into the room to make the deal." She is crying again and slamming her eyes shut as if blocking the memory of something too awful.
"Did they hurt Axe, Jen? Do you know if you could spot them in a line-up?" I am standing now, pacing thinking of my precious son and the array of horrifying shit that he could have experienced. This shit, fucks with me harder knowing Jen exposed him to it, even for the briefest seconds.
I am trying to calm my mind. She paid her dues, she did the right thing. Axe and Jen are both healthier now than ever before... But nothing seems to comfort me for the lack of the 'what' that took place.
"No, Axe was not touched or harmed, God no. Even at my lowest point Cal, I would crucify any son of a bitch that thought to touch a hair on his head."
She is no longer crying, like the thought of any harm to him was so repulsive we both found our grounding through the fear.
But, within seconds I fear where this story is going. No money? Quick hit? Party...four men? Oh my god it hits me before she says a word, hits me square in the nuts. She was hurt?
"What happened with the four men Jen?" I ask and I fall into the seat, unable to stand...losing my grounding again.
"Look, I can’t give you the details because it is an awful reminder of how desperate I was to forget my shitty existence that I would put myself, and our son in a position like that."
"Jen..." I can’t speak. I think she was raped or at the least beat up. Either of those things are far too big a price for her sins.
I lean forward and pull her to me by the back pocket of her jeans. "Jen..." I say and feel my tears spill over at the wreckage. There is no shame for them here though. The mother of my son was hurt beyond repair and I wanted to comfort her.
She fell to her knees before me and began crying. "Don’t cry Cal. I deserved it, every second of it."
"Did they rape you?" My voice cracks under the weight of the emotion.
She nods yes, confirming the worst news and my heart breaks for her.
"All of them?" I ask feeling the bile rising in my throat, to the point I am scared I will vomit. I take a deep breath trying to calm my rush of anger and sorrow. Not at her, no. There is no excuse, none on this fucking planet to rape or beat women or children. That sort of punishment is only for the one raping and may they get a full does behind bars.
Fuck this I was pissed.
"They beat me up, threatened to hurt Axe if I didn’t stop fighting. I felt so disgusting pushing my limits that far and endangering him. I just lie still and let them hurt me, to no end." She looks at me and more tears spill over. "I deserved every minute of it and I asked God to save Axe so I could give him to you for the life he deserved. I wanted for Tay to be what I couldn’t and now she failed him too. I am never going to be the mother he needs because I will always be the mother who took him into that filthy room at that party. This was deserved punishment."
I grab my phone and text Noah asking for whiskey stat, but don’t hit send just yet. I want to protect her in this and it is possible Noah doesn’t know about this, not likely but still possible. If he doesn’t know he sure as shit can leave the whiskey at the door. "Does Noah know?" I ask as she looks at me confused with my phone in hand.
She nods and cries even harder. I hit send and pull her into my lap and rock her courtesy of the swivel chair. "He has known since we became friends, I trust him to know this ugliness I carry and not hate or blame me."
"Firefly, I don’t hate or blame you. I am so glad that you haven’t been hiding this inside from everyone. I could never find words to tell him thank you for loving you when I refused."
She looks at me, her brows drawn. "Firefly?"
A tap on the door alerts me to Noah and the much-needed harshness of the whiskey. Jen goes to stand, but I hold her there. "Yeah." I yell and turn her face to mine as Noah walks in with the bottle ofJohnny Walker Bluelabel. "I asked him to bring us whiskey." I look at him and smile. "Scotch sounds better though."
He hands me the bottle noticing the tears in my eyes and looks at Jen. "You did it?" He asks and she falls apart again in my arms, a mess of tears.
"Yeah she did." I say kissing her on top of the head trying to soothe her. I can’t hide the emotion even if I wanted to. I hurt for her, with her and want so bad to take it all away.
"Allow me." Noah says, pouring two glasses for us, Jen's containing much more than mine. "That’s why I brought the Blue." He says to me before squatting down to look at Jen. "I told you babes. He is much stronger than he knows." He tips her chin to meet his eyes. "Not your fault."
He kisses her on the forehead and cups my shoulder before he leaves the room.
We sit in silence, her on my lap for endless minutes. She will cry and then stop, catch her breath, then some image or thought breaks the peace and she falls apart again. It is agonizing knowing the one you know is meant for you cannot be reached at the moment. I think of Noah and Carrie and how trust me had kept them safe and sane. I wished like hell I was that suave to know how to fix her.
"Why did you call me firefly?" She asks and I jump a little at the silence being broken. The Scotch seems to have calmed her down.
I run my fingers through her hair, feeling the silky-smooth strands that she straightened today. "Your hair." I say, breathing in the clean perfume in it. Love the smell of her.
"I like it." She says and takes a shuttering breath.
"I have always called you it, just not out loud. In junior high I don’t think it really made sense to me. In high school I was too scared of looking like a whipped nutless bastard like Shame was." I laugh as she sits back and looks up at me with a smile. "After that it was just something I would think of you with."